Are Black Women Scaring Off Their Men?


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Tony

__________
I guess I’ll add my thoughts as briefly as possible.

We (as in women & men) have been hurt/damaged to some degree.

Most of us have got to where we are in life through varying degrees of struggle.

Sometimes our own individual struggles, & successes have made us very keen, perceptive, and proud of who we are, while been oblivious to the journeys of others.

Example: I have a cousin that’s a podiatrist, & comes from a good 2 parent suburban home.

She lived with me when I was attending medical school. Although we don't speak often, She is very quick to speak about her
Private practice, her new house, her connections, but somehow conveniently, denies or acts unaware, of the fact that I am a physician also, with credentials she can only dream about .

Is this done maliciously? Maybe
Is she truly unaware? Maybe
Is she so consumed with her journey, that she can’t comprehend my far more difficult journey from the gutter- Of course

I believe only until we present ourselves to each as children do will really reach the heights of love.

You can become disabled at any time, So please remember to put someone on your
Team that’s truly there for you.
 

Warndalyn

Postmaster General!!!
Tony said:
I guess I’ll add my thoughts as briefly as possible.

We (as in women & men) have been hurt/damaged to some degree.

Most of us have got to where we are in life through varying degrees of struggle.

Sometimes our own individual struggles, & successes have made us very keen, perceptive, and proud of who we are, while been oblivious to the journeys of others.

Example: I have a cousin that’s a podiatrist, & comes from a good 2 parent suburban home.

She lived with me when I was attending medical school. Although we don't speak often, She is very quick to speak about her
Private practice, her new house, her connections, but somehow conveniently, denies or acts unaware, of the fact that I am a physician also, with credentials she can only dream about .

Is this done maliciously? Maybe
Is she truly unaware? Maybe
Is she so consumed with her journey, that she can’t comprehend my far more difficult journey from the gutter- Of course

I believe only until we present ourselves to each as children do will really reach the heights of love.

You can become disabled at any time, So please remember to put someone on your
Team that’s truly there for you.
another great post...:tup:
 

da_caramel_diva

New Member
Tony said:
I guess I?ll add my thoughts as briefly as possible.

We (as in women & men) have been hurt/damaged to some degree.

Most of us have got to where we are in life through varying degrees of struggle.

Sometimes our own individual struggles, & successes have made us very keen, perceptive, and proud of who we are, while been oblivious to the journeys of others.

Example: I have a cousin that?s a podiatrist, & comes from a good 2 parent suburban home.

She lived with me when I was attending medical school. Although we don't speak often, She is very quick to speak about her
Private practice, her new house, her connections, but somehow conveniently, denies or acts unaware, of the fact that I am a physician also, with credentials she can only dream about .

Is this done maliciously? Maybe
Is she truly unaware? Maybe
Is she so consumed with her journey, that she can?t comprehend my far more difficult journey from the gutter- Of course

I believe only until we present ourselves to each as children do will really reach the heights of love.

You can become disabled at any time, So please remember to put someone on your
Team that?s truly there for you.


Thanks Tony!!!! :tup:

I ask myself all the time. When in serious relationships, I wonder will this person take care of me period. Is he willing to stay in for the long haul if I become disabled. I have let go many of times because I simply knew the answer to that question without even asking.
 

MsJag4Jag

Moderator
Get off the defensive black man! YOU don't make me sick. Some of the responses I read irk me. You answered my question but you're very defensive, or so it SEEMS! Since you pointed out the JILL SCOTT song, I listen to it all the time. I will listen to it again today to see if there is something missing in my understanding of what all of you say.

While I don't think anyone needs to wear a RESUME POSTER and no one should recite their resume every chance they get, I THINK based on my own experienceS, that SOME black women say "I don't need you..." because of history. A history that can not be unwritten. Recall how SOME men, (black, if you will) have berated a sister because she was not accomplished or she desired to be a stay-at-home mom and take care of the house and HIM. Stay with me now. SOME women who are accomplished see this and they choose to accomplish something rather than the opposite. Why? They don't want to be caught in a boat where some others have been.

Let me give an example and NO it does not apply to all black men...Recall, Waiting to Exhale, the movie. While it is yet JUST a movie, SOME of those things have happened to some women (to one in particular that I know), not just black. Let me focus in a little closer...Bernandette married this man and she was accomplished, he got to where he was with her help. She was in his corner. He left her for the lil white secretary.....NOW had she been a stay-at-home mom, then she'd need spousal support and/or child support from him. We all know how black men feel about that and a woman who NEEDS that from him. So rather than finding herself stuck and labeled a welfare momma who is a gold digger....That is my thought of why SOME may choose to be accomplished.

Some women compete. I feel there is no need to do so.

Furthermore, I am not calling you out! I addressed you because I was confident you'd give a well thought out answer and I admire that sometimes. So there!

Ntelekt said:
Not sure why you felt the NEED to call me out, but I'll comply! :lol:


It appears (Key word: APPEARS) as if you have a problem with me and my like for Jill Scott's song. :lol:


In a RELATIONSHIP, that "I am independent" mess should go out the window if two people are trying to GROW together (I stated that earlier).

It's cool to be accomplished, degreed, employed, versed, but what good is doing things ALL ON YOUR OWN in a relationship????

If you LOVE someone or if someone LOVES YOU, would it NOT make sense that you NEED that person and vice versa in some capacity???

THAT'S what the song is talking about, THAT'S what *I* focused on in my replies.

Social, political, and educational accomplishments are NOT the things that a successful, nurturing, love-filled RELATIONSHIP are built upon, IMHO.

As I've said many times...the effort used to move up the career ladder is NOT the same methodology that will produce a healthy union between two people.

I give the dancing scenario all the time....no need for me to restate that.

Just so you don't get it twisted, I LOVE to see my Black Sistas doing their thing, and I compliment MANY of them on a regular basis because of it.
The thing is...I SEE these women's accolades and feats and they are NOT verbally thrown in my face every single time I talk to them. ;)

Needless to say, there are many women that are the opposite of what I just described. :smh:


Personally I don't and have never felt a sense of degradation by a Sistah's accomplishments! :look: :shame:

I'm doing the dayum thing in my OWN career, so what do I have to feel bad about?! :lol: :smash:
Because I choose NOT to wear my resume on my sleeve might be a reason why that kind of behavior irks me.

Think about it...
how would it look if I screamed that I was an "INDEPENDENT MAN" every chance I got?! :xeye:

Exactly...:swink:


I HOPE that answered some of your questions, and yes, I STILL do LOVE and APPRECIATE that song by Jill Scott!!! :p

Needing / Wanting / Desiring....I look at those in the same light: the light of a successful RELATIONSHIP!

Hell, I'd NEED her too, but *I* didn't write the song! :lol:

:wavey:

If I STILL make you sick (judging by your smiley usage), oh well...:smug2:
 

HBCUs

Deep in Tha Heart of...
da_caramel_diva said:
I think that the true essence of being in love and having a successful marraige is that NEED you have for each other. You have to need and want that person in order to have a good relationship be it married or not.

I feel ya. I think it's much ado about a word.

My response was in reference to question of "need" in an material/ tangible sense, not in the emotional/ intangible sense. Certainly two people will need one another from an emotional standpoint in a solid relationship.
 

MsJag4Jag

Moderator
Ntelekt said:
You ain't even READ it yet?! :xeye: :lmao:

But okay...I hear ya! :D


I read a part of what you said "why you felt the NEED to call me out..."...and had to respond then. :nod2:
 

MsJag4Jag

Moderator
HBCUs said:
I feel ya. I think it's much ado about a word.

My response was in reference to question of "need" in an material/ tangible sense, not in the emotional/ intangible sense. Certainly two people will need one another from an emotional standpoint in a solid relationship.


I think you're on to something. The word as used by SOME black women, and I HAVE been one of them to use it is about material gain.

As for an emotional standpoint and a love standpoint, yeah I NEED that and most do. I need that from my husband. TO ME, the sentiment is sort of like this..."I want/need you but act a donkey, I can still take care of myself...I won't fall..." Sort of....
 

jag4life

Well-Known Member
J4J said:
Get off the defensive black man! YOU don't make me sick. Some of the responses I read irk me. You answered my question but you're very defensive, or so it SEEMS! Since you pointed out the JILL SCOTT song, I listen to it all the time. I will listen to it again today to see if there is something missing in my understanding of what all of you say.

While I don't think anyone needs to wear a RESUME POSTER and no one should recite their resume every chance they get, I THINK based on my own experienceS, that SOME black women say "I don't need you..." because of history. A history that can not be unwritten. Recall how SOME men, (black, if you will) have berated a sister because she was not accomplished or she desired to be a stay-at-home mom and take care of the house and HIM. Stay with me now. SOME women who are accomplished see this and they choose to accomplish something rather than the opposite. Why? They don't want to be caught in a boat where some others have been.

History, huh? I think most on here know how I feel about past relationship history. It has NOTHING to do with me. That is YOUR issue and YOU should use it for your own learning experience. I don't need feel the wrath of what some other dude did to you. I will empathize and you can tell me about it, but that's it.
 

HBCUs

Deep in Tha Heart of...
J4J said:
I think you're on to something. The word as used by SOME black women, and I HAVE been one of them to use it is about material gain.

As for an emotional standpoint and a love standpoint, yeah I NEED that and most do. I need that from my husband. TO ME, the sentiment is sort of like this..."I want/need you but act a donkey, I can still take care of myself...I won't fall..." Sort of....

I understand. The material side was what I thought you were referencing in the original question.
 

da_caramel_diva

New Member
J4J said:
Sort of....


:lol:


Reallistically Kema. No matter who we are. If we are in a point where we are loving. I mean really loving, caring, and giving as we should. YOU WILL FALL if it crumbles. ***********in my best preachas voice********* And if you crumble....If you are hurt the bitterness from not forgiving will....Scare away that black man!!!!!!....can i get a witness.



.....ok I was having a lil fun with that but Im serious tho!
 

Ntelekt

Mr. Telephone Man (1975)
J4J said:
I read a part of what you said "why you felt the NEED to call me out..."...and had to respond then. :nod2:


See???? :lmao:
I purposely threw in that "NEED" since that seemed to be the initial thing that set this off! :emlaugh: ;)

I'm not being defensive perse...I simply addressed a question that was directed specificially at ME, that's all.

Am I offended by it? Nope. Actually...quite tickled. :D
I saw my name and was like "well dayum!" :lol:


Overall, I think that many people on this thread are just saying that the "aggressiveness" styel of some Black women should not necessarily be used in ALL aspects of her life, especially if LOVE is a desired aspect...:smug2:
 

MsJag4Jag

Moderator
Tony said:
I guess I?ll add my thoughts as briefly as possible.

We (as in women & men) have been hurt/damaged to some degree.

Most of us have got to where we are in life through varying degrees of struggle.

Sometimes our own individual struggles, & successes have made us very keen, perceptive, and proud of who we are, while been oblivious to the journeys of others.
Example: I have a cousin that?s a podiatrist, & comes from a good 2 parent suburban home.

She lived with me when I was attending medical school. Although we don't speak often, She is very quick to speak about her
Private practice, her new house, her connections, but somehow conveniently, denies or acts unaware, of the fact that I am a physician also, with credentials she can only dream about .

Is this done maliciously? Maybe
Is she truly unaware? Maybe
Is she so consumed with her journey, that she can?t comprehend my far more difficult journey from the gutter- Of course

I believe only until we present ourselves to each as children do will really reach the heights of love.

You can become disabled at any time, So please remember to put someone on your
Team that?s truly there for you.

I agree with you here. Presenting ourselves as children, draws out the innoncense in each.

I agree about we arrived to our current places in life by different means, plights and struggles and sometimes we don't realize another's struggle may be more difficult than our own or easier....I appreciate your response.

Giving my own personal testimony: I am proud of where I am but I have goals that take me farther. I am proud because it was a hard struggle. I didn't have a perfect childhood and I had nobody in my corner while I found my way, so now that I have my husband it has been hard to accept that HE REALLY IS IN MY CORNER....Because of my own struggles, I vowed to never put myself out there so to speak, ...My family was not rich and I had no father to speak of while coming up. So with my struggle, for a while I felt I had a RIGHT to be proud of me....nobody else, IN MY MIND, knew what I went through or how long it took me to get there...
 

MsJag4Jag

Moderator
Ntelekt said:
I'm not being defensive perse...I simply addressed a question that was directed specificially at ME, that's all.

Am I offended by it? Nope. Actually...quite tickled. :D
I saw my name and was like "well dayum!" :lol:


Overall, I think that many people on this thread are just saying that the "aggressiveness" styel of some Black women should not necessarily be used in ALL aspects of her life, especially if LOVE is a desired aspect...:smug2:


What tickled you Anthony? :D

I understand the part about aggression. Most really need to relax on that. However, it comes in time.
 

JROCK

Preeminent
jag4life said:
History, huh? I think most on here know how I feel about past relationship history. It has NOTHING to do with me. That is YOUR issue and YOU should use it for your own learning experience. I don't need feel the wrath of what some other dude did to you. I will empathize and you can tell me about it, but that's it.

:tup:
 

MsJag4Jag

Moderator
jag4life said:
History, huh? I think most on here know how I feel about past relationship history. It has NOTHING to do with me. That is YOUR issue and YOU should use it for your own learning experience. I don't need feel the wrath of what some other dude did to you. I will empathize and you can tell me about it, but that's it.


I know how you feel but your smartelyky answer irks me. While I don't feel you need to feel the wrath of what some other dude did.....MOST WOMEN ARE ONLY PROTECTING THEMSELVES SO THAT YOU WON'T DO WHAT HE DID.

That's all. She aint angry with you. She aint blaming you. She just don't want a repeat scenario. That's all. There is something about SELF PRESERVATION that screams from most women's sentiments...
 

da_caramel_diva

New Member
jag4life said:
History, huh? I think most on here know how I feel about past relationship history. It has NOTHING to do with me. That is YOUR issue and YOU should use it for your own learning experience. I don't need feel the wrath of what some other dude did to you. I will empathize and you can tell me about it, but that's it.


I think that if you dedicated to someone knowing there history can help you deal with/ prevent problems. If im with some one I dont wanna knowingly do something that has hurt you so much in your past. Reallistically in some sort of way EVERYBODY has baggage.
 

jag4life

Well-Known Member
J4J said:
I know how you feel but your smartelyky answer irks me. While I don't feel you need to feel the wrath of what some other dude did.....MOST WOMEN ARE ONLY PROTECTING THEMSELVES SO THAT YOU WON'T DO WHAT HE DID..

No...she is protecting herself so that she doesn't REACT towards me the way she did towards the other man. It has nothing to do with what I do or don't do.
 

jag4life

Well-Known Member
da_caramel_diva said:
I think that if you dedicated to someone knowing there history can help you deal with/ prevent problems. If im with some one I dont wanna knowingly do something that has hurt you so much in your past. Reallistically in some sort of way EVERYBODY has baggage.

That's why I said "empathize" and "tell me about it". Just don't hold it against ME.
 

MsJag4Jag

Moderator
southsuburbs said:
What's this Jill Scott song everyone is talking about?


JILL SCOTT LYRICS

"The Fact Is (I Need You)"

I can pay my own light bill baby
Pump my own gas in my own car
I can buy my own shoe collection
I've been blessed thus far
I can kill the spider above my bed
Although it's hard because I'm scared
I can even stain and polyurethane
But some things just don't change
I need you yeah
Sometimes so hard to say oh
I need you
Some things remain
I could buy my own groceries baby
Get my hair tight, my nails right
I can floss my own bling bling
Write the words to the songs I sing
I can even raise the child we'll make
Make sure he's loved and knows what God gave us
I can teach him how to walk and stand
But he needs you to help him be a man
We need you
So hard to say
We need you
Some things don't change
I could be congresswoman
Or a garbage woman or
Police officer, or a carpenter
I could be a doctor and a lawyer and a mother and a good girl
God what you've done to me
Kind of lover I could be
I could be a computer analyst, the Queen with the nappy hair raising her fist
Or I could be much more and a myriad of this
Hot as the summer, sweet as the first kiss
And even though I can do all these things
I need you
And even though I can do all these things
We need you
We need you
We need you
And even though I can do all these things by my damn self
I need you
I do, I do, I do, I do
And even though I can do all these things
I need you
We need you
We do
We need you yeah
We need you
 

Ntelekt

Mr. Telephone Man (1975)
J4J said:
What tickled you Anthony? :D

I understand the part about aggression. Most really need to relax on that. However, it comes in time.


Everything was to the general pop. until my gubment name sprang across the screen! :D


Yeah, it should come in time, but the person must first acknowledge that this particular trait actually exists in their personna! :smash:

That's where many problems concern this issue arise from. :nod:
People on the outside looking in see it clear as day, but recognizing a flaw from within...that isn't an easy thing to do.

Proclaiming to the world what you can and will do without anybody else can sometimes be looked upon as a defensive mechanism in it's own right. ;)
And the irony to that is:
Accomplishments do NOT have to be defended!!! :cool:
 

MsJag4Jag

Moderator
jag4life said:
No...she is protecting herself so that she doesn't REACT towards me the way she did towards the other man. It has nothing to do with what I do or don't do.


Unless you are a woman, you'd have no way of knowing that. That's what you think. And most do not hold it against YOU...they just don't want to be hurt.

Keep doing the same thing, get the same response....
 

MsJag4Jag

Moderator
You get no argument from me Black Man!

Ntelekt said:
Everything was to the general pop. until my gubment name sprang across the screen! :D


Yeah, it should come in time, but the person must first acknowledge that this particular trait actually exists in their personna! :smash:

That's where many problems concern this issue arise from. :nod:
People on the outside looking in see it clear as day, but recognizing a flaw from within...that isn't an easy thing to do.

Proclaiming to the world what you can and will do without anybody else can sometimes be looked upon as a defensive mechanism in it's own right. ;)
And the irony to that is:
Accomplishments do NOT have to be defended!!! :cool:
 

jag4life

Well-Known Member
J4J said:
Unless you are a woman, you'd have no way of knowing that. That's what you think. And most do not hold it against YOU...they just don't want to be hurt.

Keep doing the same thing, get the same response....
Exactly
That's what they get.
 

Tony

__________
jag4life said:
History, huh? I think most on here know how I feel about past relationship history. It has NOTHING to do with me. That is YOUR issue and YOU should use it for your own learning experience. I don't need feel the wrath of what some other dude did to you. I will empathize and you can tell me about it, but that's it.

But your History has everything to do with me, if I wanna "roll" with you. We are a combination of our genes & experiences. Experiences contribute to our make-up. If I can understand your experiences
I can better understand you. And furthermore, I agree, I shouldn?t feel the wrath from some other dude,
But I want you to show me the wounds, tell me where it hurts, Because I AM here to heal.
Being a healer is who I AM. I will do way more than empathize.
 
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