Are Black Women Scaring Off Their Men?


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da_caramel_diva

New Member
Are Black Women Scaring Off Their Men?
(A Fighting Spirit Is Important, But Not At Home)

The Washington Post By: Joy Jones

Have you met this woman? She has a good job, works hard, and earns a good salary. She went to college, she got her master's degree; she is intelligent. She is personable, articulate, well read, interested in everybody and everything. Yet, she's single. Or maybe you know this one. Active in the church. Faithful, committed, sings in the choir, se! rves on the usher board, and attends every committee meeting. Loves the Lord and knows the Word. You'd think that with her command of the Scriptures and the respect of her church members, she'd have a marriage as solid as a rock. But again, no husband.

Or perhaps you recognize the community activist. She's a black lady, or, as she prefers, an African American woman, on the move. She sports A short natural; sometimes cornrow braids, or even dreadlocks. She's an organizer, a motivator, a dynamo. Her work for her people speaks for itself--organizing women for a self-help, raising funds for A community cause, educating others around a new issue in South Africa. Black ! folks look up to her, and white folks know she's a force to be reckoned with. Yet once again, the men leave her alone. What do these women have in common? They have so much; what is it they lack? Why is it they may be able to hook a man but can't hold him? The women puzzle over this quandary themselves. They gather at professional clubs, at sorority meetings or over coffee at the office and wonder what's wrong with black men? They hold special prayer vigils and fast and pray and beg Jesus to send the men back to church. They find the brothers attending political! strategizing sessions or participating in protests but when it comes time to go home, the brothers go home to someone else.

I know these women because I am all of these wom! en. And after asking over and over again "What's wrong with these men?", it finally dawned on me to ask the question, "What's wrong with us women?" What I have found, and what many of these women have yet to discover, is that the skills that make one successful in the church, community or workplace are not the skills that make one successful in a relationship.

Linear thinking, self-reliance, structured goals and direct action assist one in getting assignments done, in organizing church or club activities or in positioning oneself for a raise, but relationship-building requires different skills. It requires making decisions that not only gratify you, but satisfy others. It means doing things that will keep the peace rather than achieve the ! goal, and sometimes it means creating the peace in the first place. Maintaining a harmonious relationship will not always allow you to take the straight line between two points. You may have to stoop to conquer or yield to win.

In too many cases, when dealing with men, you will have to sacrifice being right in order to enjoy being loved. Being acknowledged as the head of the household is an especially important thing for many black men, since their manhood is so often actively challenged everywhere else. Many modern women are so independent, so self-sufficient, so committed to the cause, to the church, to career or their narrow concepts that their entire personalities project an "I don't need a man" message. So they end u! p without one. An interested man may be attracted but he soon discovers that this sister makes very little space for him in her life. Going to graduate school is a good goal and an option that previous generations of blacks have not had. But sometimes the achieving woman will place her boyfriend so low on her list of priorities that his interest wanes. Between work, school and homework, she's seldom "there" for him, for the preliminaries that might develop a c! ommitment to a woman. She's too busy to prepare him a home-cooked meal or to be a listening ear for his concerns because she is so occupied with her own.

Soon he uses her only for uncommitted sex since to him she appears unavailable for anything else. Blind to the part she's playing in ! the problem, she ends up thinking, "Men only want one thing." And she decides she's better off with the degree than the friendship. When she's 45, she may wish she'd set different priorities while she was younger. It's not just the busy career girl who can't see the forest for the trees.

A couple I know were having marital troubles. During one argument, the husband confronted the wife and asked what she thought they should do about the marriage, what direction they should take. She reached for her Bible and turned to Ephesians. "I know what Paul says and I know what Jesus says about marriage," he told her, "What do you say about our marriage?" Dumbfounded, she could not say anything. Like so many of us, she could recite the Scriptures ! but could not apply them to everyday living. Before the year was out, the husband had filed for divorce. Women who focus on civil rights or community activism have vigorous, fighting spirits and are prepared to do whatever, whenever, to benefit black people. That's good. That's necessary. But it needs to be kept in perspective. It's too easy to save the world and lose your man.

A fighting spirit is important on the battlefield, but a gentler spirit is wanted on the home front. Too many women are winning the battle and losing the home. Sometimes in our determined efforts to be strong believers and hard workers, we contemporary women downplay, denigrate or simply forget our more traditional feminine attributes. Men value wo! men best for the ways we are different from them, not the ways we are the same. Men appreciate us for our grace and beauty. Men enjoy our softness and see it as a way to be in touch with their tender side, a side they dare not show to other men. A hard-working woman is good to have on your committee. But when a man goes home, he'd prefer a loving partner to a hard worker.

It's not an easy transition for the modern black woman to make. It sounds submissive, reactionary, outmoded, and oppressive. We have fought so hard for so many things, and rightfully so. We have known so many men who were shaky, jive and untrustworthy. Yet we must admit that we are shaky, jive and willful in our own ways. Not having a husband allows us to do whatever we wa! nt, when and how we want to do it. Having one means we have to share the power and certain points will have to be surrendered. We are terrified of marriage and commitment, yet dread the prospect of being single and alone.

Throwing ourselves into work seems to fill the void without posing a threat. But like any other drug, the escape eventually becomes the cage. To make the break, we need to do less and "be" more. I am learning to "be still and know," to be trusting. I am learning to stop competing with black men and to collaborate with them, to temper my assertive and aggressive energy with softness and serenity. I'm not preaching a philosophy of "women be seen and not heard." But I have come to realize that I, and many of my ! smart and independent sisters are out of touch with our feminine center and Therefore out of touch with our men. About a year ago, I was at an oldies-but-goodies club.

As a Washingtonian, I love to do the bop and to hand dance styles that were popular when I was a teen. In those dances, the man has his set of steps and the woman has hers, but the couple is still two partners and must move together. On this evening, I was sitting out a record when a thought came to me. If a man were to say, "I'm going to be in charge and you're going to follow. I want you to adjust your ways to fit in with mine" I'd dismiss him as a Neanderthal. With my hand on my hip, I'd tell him that I have just as much sense as he does and that he can't tell me ! what to do. Yet, on the dance floor, I love following a man's lead. I don't feel inferior because my part is different from his, and I don't feel I have to prove that I'm just as able to lead as he is. I simply allow him to take my hand, and I go with the flow.

I am still single. I am over 30 and scared. I am still a member of my church, have no plans to quit my good government job and will continue to do what I can for my people. I think that I have a healthy relationship with a good man. But today, I know that I have to bring some of that spirit of the dance into my relationship. Dancing solo, I've mastered that. Now I'm learning how to accept his lead, and to go with the flow.
 

Panther88

Banned
I want you to adjust your ways to fit in with mine" I'd dismiss him as a Neanderthal. With my hand on my hip, I'd tell him that I have just as much sense as he does and that he can't tell me ! what to do. Yet, on the dance floor, I love following a man's lead. I don't feel inferior because my part is different from his, and I don't feel I have to prove that I'm just as able to lead as he is. I simply allow him to take my hand, and I go with the flow.
Where's Toni Tone' Tony? :D He'll have to expound on this up hur ^^^^^^^^^^ for a bit. :)
 

CEE DOG

Well-Known Member
She sits straight across from me. Matter of fact I'm waving at her as I type this. :lol:
da_caramel_diva said:
Are Black Women Scaring Off Their Men?
(A Fighting Spirit Is Important, But Not At Home)

The Washington Post By: Joy Jones

Have you met this woman? She has a good job, works hard, and earns a good salary. She went to college, she got her master's degree; she is intelligent. She is personable, articulate, well read, interested in everybody and everything. Yet, she's single. Or maybe you know this one. Active in the church. Faithful, committed, sings in the choir, se! rves on the usher board, and attends every committee meeting. Loves the Lord and knows the Word. You'd think that with her command of the Scriptures and the respect of her church members, she'd have a marriage as solid as a rock. But again, no husband.
 

Tony

__________
Panthro said:
Where's Toni Tone' Tony? :D He'll have to expound on this up hur ^^^^^^^^^^ for a bit. :)
Expounding:


Baby listen,
I?m a man that believes in miracles, because
I?ve seen them happen right in front of me.
All I ever really want to do is give some love,
I don?t know where, or how I can fit into your life, but
What I do know is , No matter how much or how little, you
May need or want from a man I got it.
There's no set of regimented rules if you?re free
Free to love
Free to be loved
Free to fully live out your creed
So go on ahead and worry about societal constraints
I?ve answered all those things already, & I'll be over here loving.
While you?re over there Role Playing?..
 

Panther88

Banned
Tony said:
Expounding:


Baby listen,
I’m a man that believes in miracles, because
I’ve seen them happen right in front of me.
All I ever really want to do is give some love,
I don’t know where, or how I can fit into your life, but
What I do know is , No matter how much or how little, you
May need or want from a man I got it.
There's no set of regimented rules if you’re free
Free to love
Free to be loved
Free to fully live out your creed
So go on ahead and worry about societal constraints
I’ve answered all those things already, & I'll be over here loving.
While you’re over there Role Playing…..
DIZZZZZZZZZZZAM!!!!!!!! :what:

I ain't mad atcha' Tony! :tup:
 

MACKG

a.k.a. NASTYNUPE
A response to this article:

I grew up in a home with a beautiful, intelligent, professional mother(and father) who managed to work hard for 30 years, raise me, and came home everyday and cooked and cleaned the house and graded papers nightly. So to me, there's nothing scary about a woman handling her business. I was raised to expect that. What's scary is women who do not want to do those things. What's scary is a woman who wants to lay down and have a bunch of babies to get that child support. What's scary is a woman who wants to take the easy way out and strip and whore herself out in order to get paid.

To me, it's like the old Chris Rock joke...I'm not going to applaud a man just because he hasn't been to jail...YOU AIN'T SUUPOSED TO GO. So to me...I really can't raise a woman on a pedastal just because she happens to own a couple of degrees and works. I've seen it all my life. It's commonplace to me. There are a lot of brothers that get intimidated by this type of woman...but maybe it's because they've never been around this type of woman.

It's a beautiful thing to see two progressive black people making it happen!!! BLACK LOVE is a wonderful thing. But this scaring off thing is B.S.(to me)
 

D-NICE

Retired Milkman
As a black man, you can only hear you're trifling, tired, worthless, good for nothing, you ain't schit, and that you're not NEEDED but for so long from black women, before you start to believe that you're not wanted, and needed by women of your own race before start to look elsewhere.

I don't think sisters are scaring brothers off, but more so running them off.

I don't have problems with sisters, never have, and never thought about seriously being with a woman from another race (mainly white) other than sexual, but I do have a problem with sisters who won't let me recognize them for the women that they are.

Sweetheart, I can marvel at your accomplishments, and I'm more than man enough to compliment, and congratulate you on your accomplishments, but when it comes to a point that you can't let me compliment you on it, because every 5 minutes you're reciting your accomplishments to me, over, and over again, then you don't need a man, you need a classroom.

I'm fully aware that you've gone to college, and grad school, and you did it all by yourself. I can recognize the fine house that you own, the fancy car that you drive, and the career field you're in which allows you to pay for all that you have, and allows you to have the nice bank account, but does it make you feel better to demean me as a black man because you've achieved so much?

As a black man, why should I want to be with a woman who constantly tells anybody within a listening ear, radio, television show, magazine, that you don't NEED me?

I'm not picking a fight with you black woman, but dayum, society kicks us in the arse enough, even when we're law abiding, educated, tax paying, hard working, decent people, why do you have to join in on the fight?

NICE
 

ALJSUII

ALJSUII
D-NICE said:
As a black man, you can only hear you're trifling, tired, worthless, good for nothing, you ain't schit, and that you're not NEEDED but for so long from black women, before you start to believe that you're not wanted, and needed by women of your own race before start to look elsewhere.

I don't think sisters are scaring brothers off, but more so running them off.

I don't have problems with sisters, never have, and never thought about seriously being with a woman from another race (mainly white) other than sexual, but I do have a problem with sisters who won't let me recognize them for the women that they are.

Sweetheart, I can marvel at your accomplishments, and I'm more than man enough to compliment, and congratulate you on your accomplishments, but when it comes to a point that you can't let me compliment you on it, because every 5 minutes you're reciting your accomplishments to me, over, and over again, then you don't need a man, you need a classroom.

I'm fully aware that you've gone to college, and grad school, and you did it all by yourself. I can recognize the fine house that you own, the fancy car that you drive, and the career field you're in which allows you to pay for all that you have, and allows you to have the nice bank account, but does it make you feel better to demean me as a black man because you've achieved so much?

As a black man, why should I want to be with a woman who constantly tells anybody within a listening ear, radio, television show, magazine, that you don't NEED me?

I'm not picking a fight with you black woman, but dayum, society kicks us in the arse enough, even when we're law abiding, educated, tax paying, hard working, decent people, why do you have to join in on the fight?

NICE
D-NICE, I am a woman and I agree with everything stated in your post. I was listening this past weekend to one of my daughter's friend talk about "how her ex-husband needs to be empowered and she is willing to work with him and even get back into the relationship of marriage, but since she has the PhD and makes more money than he does working two jobs, then he will have to abide by her rules." I was thinking to myself that why he is your "ex." She is trying to mold this man into what she wants and sees as status. I was completely flabbergasted.:|
 

Ice Man

New Member
Yes....it has nothing to do with what you got or don't got, but who you listen too. Turn off Oprah and turn on a Man.
 

Robber

Consigliere
D-NICE said:
As a black man, you can only hear you're trifling, tired, worthless, good for nothing, you ain't schit, and that you're not NEEDED but for so long from black women, before you start to believe that you're not wanted, and needed by women of your own race before start to look elsewhere.

I don't think sisters are scaring brothers off, but more so running them off.

I don't have problems with sisters, never have, and never thought about seriously being with a woman from another race (mainly white) other than sexual, but I do have a problem with sisters who won't let me recognize them for the women that they are.

Sweetheart, I can marvel at your accomplishments, and I'm more than man enough to compliment, and congratulate you on your accomplishments, but when it comes to a point that you can't let me compliment you on it, because every 5 minutes you're reciting your accomplishments to me, over, and over again, then you don't need a man, you need a classroom.

I'm fully aware that you've gone to college, and grad school, and you did it all by yourself. I can recognize the fine house that you own, the fancy car that you drive, and the career field you're in which allows you to pay for all that you have, and allows you to have the nice bank account, but does it make you feel better to demean me as a black man because you've achieved so much?

As a black man, why should I want to be with a woman who constantly tells anybody within a listening ear, radio, television show, magazine, that you don't NEED me?

I'm not picking a fight with you black woman, but dayum, society kicks us in the arse enough, even when we're law abiding, educated, tax paying, hard working, decent people, why do you have to join in on the fight?

NICE
Next time I see you, ALL your drinks are on me.
 

Ice Man

New Member
ALJSUII said:
D-NICE, I am a woman and I agree with everything stated in your post. I was listening this past weekend to one of my daughter's friend talk about "how her ex-husband needs to be empowered and she is willing to work with him and even get back into the relationship of marriage, but since she has the PhD and makes more money than he does working two jobs, then he will have to abide by her rules." I was thinking to myself that why he is your "ex." She is trying to mold this man into what she wants and sees as status. I was completely flabbergasted.:|
Listen to this woman because she knows D-Nice hit the nail on the head. Turn off Oprah and turn on D-Nice!
 

Blacknbengal

Well-Known Member
D-NICE said:
I'm not picking a fight with you black woman, but dayum, society kicks us in the arse enough, even when we're law abiding, educated, tax paying, hard working, decent people, why do you have to join in on the fight?
And here it is!!!!
 

Dr. Sweet NUPE

New Member
We can look at the SWACPage how we take lies and unsuraties about one another to an entirely different level. We bash each other on here not knowing WHO we are talking to and WHAT they can do to HELP us.

We could blame Black Women and say it's them scaring Men off, but how many of US men act like little girls, calling peeps on the phone spreading lies, instead of just publicly going to the source and asking them.....

But I digress...
 

da_caramel_diva

New Member
DSN: You have to realize that people are not bashing each other they are just in disagreement about what is said. ESPECIALLY if people say something just flat out wrong. (or what they feel to be wrong). No one should take anything said on the SWAC personal. Even if you have known who ever for years. Bottomline is this is the internet. Its a forum. In forums people have the right to say whatever is on there mind when ever it comes up. As said before its an open diary. So if for any chance you or anyone else feel like they are under attack, step back for a second and realize: THESE PEOPLE REALLY DONT KNOW YOU.


Back to the subject...I finally read the entire article. I agree with every word of it. I think that there is some women who have lost track of what a womans role is at home. I think there are women who either dont want to be submissive or just dont know how to be. There comes a point where you independent for so long ya just dont know how to handle a man's strength. You try to make the man fit instead of becoming a part of a mold. I must say for ALOT of sistas its hard to decipher the riff raffs from the real deal. I know its already hard for a man as is BUT its even harda on a sista who has lost hope because of every circumbstance that has brought her to that "EXTREME" independent status.

Also you guys are right. Being a successful, law abiding citizen is what you are suppose to do. So while its beneficial for all of a woman's accomplishments, it should not be the determining factor of her success. I know for myself I almost hate telling men I meet where I work, what school i graduated from, and what degree I have. Hell I aint an independent woman by far. *******singing Jill Scott's song****....I need you
 

southsuburbs

What I Live By...
da_caramel_diva said:
DSN: You have to realize that people are not
I know for myself I almost hate telling men I meet where I work, what school i graduated from, and what degree I have. Hell I aint an independent woman by far. *******singing Jill Scott's song****....I need you

What line of profession would you feel more comfortable discussing with men?
Not really knowing anything about you or what you do it almost seems as if you are not proud of what you've accomplished just b/c it might intimidate some men or somebody.
 

Ntelekt

Mr. Telephone Man (1975)
da_caramel_diva said:
Back to the subject...I finally read the entire article. I agree with every word of it. I think that there is some women who have lost track of what a womans role is at home. I think there are women who either dont want to be submissive or just dont know how to be. There comes a point where you independent for so long ya just dont know how to handle a man's strength. You try to make the man fit instead of becoming a part of a mold. I must say for ALOT of sistas its hard to decipher the riff raffs from the real deal. I know its already hard for a man as is BUT its even harda on a sista who has lost hope because of every circumbstance that has brought her to that "EXTREME" independent status.

Also you guys are right. Being a successful, law abiding citizen is what you are suppose to do. So while its beneficial for all of a woman's accomplishments, it should not be the determining factor of her success. I know for myself I almost hate telling men I meet where I work, what school i graduated from, and what degree I have. Hell I aint an independent woman by far. *******singing Jill Scott's song****....I need you
:nod::tup:

Like I said in a similar thread...let your actions tend to speak for themselves.
Allow people to recognize who you are instead of throwing it up in their faces every chance you get.


It's extremely difficult to encourage true growth in a relationship if one party is still trying to maintain "independence"....:look:



But aye...maybe that's just me. :swink:
 

jag4life

Well-Known Member
southsuburbs said:
What line of profession would you feel more comfortable discussing with men?
Not really knowing anything about you or what you do it almost seems as if you are not proud of what you've accomplished just b/c it might intimidate some men or somebody.
LOL @ where this is going coming from you...

Hey SS:cool:
 

da_caramel_diva

New Member
southsuburbs said:
What line of profession would you feel more comfortable discussing with men?
Not really knowing anything about you or what you do it almost seems as if you are not proud of what you've accomplished just b/c it might intimidate some men or somebody.

Naw im not ashame by any means. I really dont like discussing anything about professions unless I am really trying to date a person. I think discussing professions puts you in categories and people start stereotyping.

I was talking to a guy of the non african american descent. He told me that where he was from its rude to ask a person's profession. Especially in first meeting a person. When he started dating in the Americas he was offended for the longest. Asking a persons profession puts a dollar amount/range on them....He said some other things that made sense but I just cant remember.
 

southsuburbs

What I Live By...
CEE DOG said:
What's up thinker? :lol:
Dang...the whole crew is over here huh?!?! :p
I've found yall "hiding place" and I like it!! I like it!!!
~now where's that dancing bananna~
:dizzy:
 

JROCK

Preeminent
D-NICE said:
As a black man, you can only hear you're trifling, tired, worthless, good for nothing, you ain't schit, and that you're not NEEDED but for so long from black women, before you start to believe that you're not wanted, and needed by women of your own race before start to look elsewhere.

I don't think sisters are scaring brothers off, but more so running them off.

I don't have problems with sisters, never have, and never thought about seriously being with a woman from another race (mainly white) other than sexual, but I do have a problem with sisters who won't let me recognize them for the women that they are.

Sweetheart, I can marvel at your accomplishments, and I'm more than man enough to compliment, and congratulate you on your accomplishments, but when it comes to a point that you can't let me compliment you on it, because every 5 minutes you're reciting your accomplishments to me, over, and over again, then you don't need a man, you need a classroom.

I'm fully aware that you've gone to college, and grad school, and you did it all by yourself. I can recognize the fine house that you own, the fancy car that you drive, and the career field you're in which allows you to pay for all that you have, and allows you to have the nice bank account, but does it make you feel better to demean me as a black man because you've achieved so much?

As a black man, why should I want to be with a woman who constantly tells anybody within a listening ear, radio, television show, magazine, that you don't NEED me?

I'm not picking a fight with you black woman, but dayum, society kicks us in the arse enough, even when we're law abiding, educated, tax paying, hard working, decent people, why do you have to join in on the fight?

NICE
:tup:
 
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