The 5th Annual Bag of JAG jokes.........

[CHOLLY]

I don't get it......

Hey, DIEhard Jag........

How can you talk all that *TIHS* about you team this and your team did that.........

WHEN THE DA#N GAME WAS TIED AT THE END OF REGULATION!?!?

BOTH teams SUCKED!!!

Yours just sucked a LITTLE less!!!

Actually I'm glad you Jiggies are happy...

You won your first game against us in FOUR, LONG YEARS!!

You held us under 50 for the first time IN THREE LONG YEARS!!

You narrowed the gap in the overall series to just NINE GAMES!!

With this kinda luck, maybe cooler heads in Baton Rouge will prevail and we can get our FAVORITE whipping boys back on the schedule!!!

 

[CHOLLY]

Even their mangy MASCOT is fair game.....

A wealthy RATTLER decided to go on a safari in South America. He took his faithful pet dog FANGS along for company. Well, one day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about trying to find his way back to camp he notices a Jaguar, Lacumba, heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of eating him for lunch.

The dog thinks, "Awwww HELL, I'm in deep doo doo now!!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as Lacumba is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious Jaguar!! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the Jag halts his attack in mid-stride, peeing on himself as a look of terror comes over his face. He slowly slinks away into the trees out of sight of Fangs. "Whew", says the Jaguar. "That was close. That RATTLER dog nearly had me." He tipped away a quietly as possible, hoping the dog didn't see him.

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from Lacumba. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the Jaguar as fast as he could and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the Jaguar, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with Lacumba. Well, The big DUMB cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Well, the dog sees the Jaguar coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that DA#N monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another Jaguar, and he's still not back!!!"

 

[CHOLLY]

What am I gonna do?

I only got SIXTY TWO more of these jokes to go!!!

Oh WOE is ME!!!

 

[CHOLLY]

Those FAITHFUL jags strike again.......

A Southern woman takes a lover, another Jag, during the day, while her husband a RATTLER is at work.

While she's in the midst of lovemaking, her 9 year old son comes home from school unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet, shuts the door, and goes back at it.

A little while later her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover Jag, in the same closet with the little boy.

Little boy: "Dark in here."

Jaguar: "Yes, it is."

Little Boy: "I have a baseball."

Jag: "That's nice."

Little boy: "Want to buy it?"

Jaguar: "No, thanks."

Little boy: "My dad's outside and he's a RATTLER who'll KICK your ARSE........"

Jag: "OK, OK; how much?"

Little boy: "$25.00"

The Jag pays up. A few minutes later.........

Little boy: "Dark in here."

Jaguar: "Yes, it is."

Little boy: "I have a baseball mitt."

Jag: "How much?"

Little boy: "$75.00."

The Jag pays up again.


A few days later his father asks him about the missing ball and the mitt. The boy says, "I sold them."

"How much did you sell them for?" the father asks.

"$100.00," says the little boy.

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess boy!!"

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh!t again!!"

 

[CHOLLY]

Here's something SCARRY.......

 

[CHOLLY]

CLOSURE................

Sa-phyllis was a Southern grad and devout Catholic. She got married right out of school and had 17 children, then her husband died.

She remarried two weeks later and proceeded to have another 12 children by her second husband. He eventually died. She remarried again 3 weeks later. This time she had 6 more children, afterwhich she promptly died too.

At the wake, the priest looked tenderly at Sa-phyllis as she lay in her coffin, looked up to the heavens and said with a sigh of relief, "At last! They're finally together."

A man standing next to him asked: "Excuse me Father, but what do you mean? Do you mean she and her first husband or she and her second or third husband are together?"

The priest said, "No, I meant her legs!"

 

[CHOLLY]

SURPRISE!!!

This is a story about a Southern University couple who had been happily married for 40 years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he woke. The noise would wake his wife as well as the neighborhood dogs and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with the old jag to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a Doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

Well, the years went by and he continued to rip them out, as loud and as STINK as ever. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bed covers she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. "That'll fix him but GOOD" she thought with an evil grin.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself and she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes. After years of torture she reckoned she had finally gotten him back.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked the lady jag.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened. But..... by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

 

[CHOLLY]

Two fingers!?!?

 

[CHOLLY]

Oral Surgery...........

Two Jag football players met as they were about to go into the Home Economics building at Southern Monday after the game with FAMU.

One Jag said to the other; "Honey, those RATTLERS was ROUGH-FFFFF!!! They hit me in da mouf so hard I had to go to da dentisssst!" (snif, sniff!!)

The other said, "Say whattt!?!?"

The first Jag said, "Uummmm hmmmmmm!!! Guuuuuurl; I had to have my teeth pulled, my tonsils out, and my adenoids removed!!"

The other one said; "Say what honey!?!? YOU MEAN YOU HAD A WHOLE HYSTERECTOMY!?!?"

 

[CHOLLY]

RE-PLAY; Jag-GAY-Wars on da prowl......

Two Southern University Football players were enjoying a night out on the town the day before the Bayou Classic and decided they would check out all the bars in the Quarters.

Well, they wandered from place to place looking for their type of excitement but just couldn't seem to have any fun.

They had been in one bar for about an hour when one Jag said to the other one, "I'm bored. Let's blow this joint."

Excited, the other Jag said, "OK!!. YOU TAKE THE WOMEN!!!"

 

[CHOLLY]

Ketchup on that?

An enthusiastic graduate from the Southern University Business School put his honors degree to use and became a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman. Well, right after commencement he goes to the first house in his new territory.... Scotlandville.

He knocks, a real mean, tough and UGLY looking lady wearing an SU Alumni shirt opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties and dog crap all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady Jag, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it right up, right now!!!"

She turns to him with not smiling and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet!!"

 

[CHOLLY]

I THOUGHT it looked familliar............

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Remind you of anything?
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[CHOLLY]

About the same amount of personality......

............Only wit glasses............

 

[CHOLLY]

OUCH!!!

A high powered SU administrator liked to frequent the night spots in the seeder parts of Baton Rouge where he could buy the favors of women for small sums of money or other consumbale comodities.

One day he met Kuta Mae Jefferson, a former Miss SU, and had his way with her for a Bologna sandwich on white bread and a fifth of White Port.

Three days later the burning sensation was so powerful he couldn't relieve himself and his wife was starting to get suspicious, so he decided to take a visit to the SU clinic for clandestine treatment of his ailment.

As he went into the exam room, the Doctor asked him to drop his pants and show him the problem.

When the administrator complied the attending nurse fell to the floor laughing and the doctor in the straightest face he could muster asked, "Have you ever had this before?"

The man said, "yes..."

The doc said, "WELL YOU GOT IT AGAIN!!!"

 

[CHOLLY]

Still didn't learn how to put on a raincoat....

He came back a week later, still in pain, whipped it out and said "Doc take a look at THIS!!!"

Doc said, "MY GOODNESS MAN!!! How'd you get something like that!?!?"

He said, "I stick it in BEANS!!"

Doc said "What KINDA BEANS!?!?"

He said, "HUMAN-BEANS!!!"

 

[CHOLLY]

What!?!? Don't look at me like that......

Folks, I don't make this stuff up.

It's ALL true!!!

Don't B'lee me? Check the files at Baton Rouge PD.

Look at the Roster of Angola State Prison (a branch of a certain University system?)

Turn over that garbage can behind Mumford!!!

In other words...............

D O N ' T B L A M E M E ! ! !

 

[CHOLLY]

A Typical Service at the Southern U. Chapel.....

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

 

[CHOLLY]

The Jaguar Barber of Se-Scotlandville......

A guy sticks his head into the Southern University barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber a big time Jag Booster looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The Jag looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The Southern grad looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill; follow that guy and see where he goes OK?" Bill agrees.

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber ask, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says,"Your house!!"

 

[CHOLLY]

Meanwhile; back at the SU lab school.........

What they teach'em in Science Class in Baton Rouge.


Sixth grade science teacher at the Southern University Demonstration school, Mr. Sampson, asks his class, "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way.

"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask such a question?" she says, "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. He asks the class the question again, and this time Billy, a transfer student from Tallahassee raises his hand.

"Yes, Billy?" says Mr. Sampson.

"Sir, the correct answer is the pupil of the human eye."

"Very good, Billy. Thank you."

Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

('Specially if she winds up with a Jag!!! )

 

[CHOLLY]

Executions............

There was a German, an Italian and a football player from Southern on death row in Louisanna.

The Warden of the prison gave them a choice of three ways to die: 1) was to be shot, 2) was to be hung, 3) was to be injected with the A.I.D.S. virus.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom ... He was dead instantly).

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap ... He was dead.)

Then the guy from Southern said, "Give me some of that there AIDS stuff."

They gave him his shot and he fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Jaguar said "Give me another one of those shots."

The guards did.

Now he was laughing so hard he almost was peeing in his pants. So finally the warden said, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

The Jag from Southern replied "You guys are so stupid, I'm wearing a condom!!"

 

[CHOLLY]

Speaking of condoms........

There was a Country preacher and ex-jag football player whose wife was expecting a baby. So the Reverend went to the congregation and asked for a raise. He begged and begged, and after much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rev's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

Well, after 6 children, this started to get expensive so the congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Pastors's pay situation. As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Reverend got up and spoke to the crowd.

"Having children is an act of God!!", he said.

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said, "Point of information--snow and rain are also acts of God but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers!!!"

 

[CHOLLY]

DUMB Jag.........

Leaving work early.....




Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.

The RATTLER was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The Tiger was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The Jag was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!! Gently, she closed the door and crept back out of her house.

The next day at their coffee break, the RATTLER and Tiger planned to leave early again, and they asked the dumb Jag if she was going to go with them. "No way," the jag exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!!!"

 

[CHOLLY]

She KNEW what she was doing........

In a Baton Rouge at a crowded busy bus stop there was a beautiful young female Southern Student wearing a tight... I MEAN Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Still, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her in line picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic, turned to the would-be good Samaritan, and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!!"

 

[CHOLLY]

You mean it ain't chewing gum?

Mrs. Bea was the former director of the SU Choir, in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. Well; almost All. Anyhow, the pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her dusty old Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something!

But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this? (pointing to the bowl).

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know..............I haven't had a cold all winter!!"

 

[CHOLLY]

Quit puttin the WRONG thang in there.....

Gay George, the Southern University Mascot goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. ( I bet y'all ALWAYS suspected that only a GAY man would put on that stupe-ARSE suit!!!)

The doctor comes back and says, "George, I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS Your days of leading cheers at SU football games are over So are your nights of making the football players cheer..... if you know what I mean."

Well, Gay George was devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers WHOLE, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, ? box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of hot prune juice."

George asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ARSE is REALLY for!!!"