What Would You Do If
- Thread starter BISON-2K1
- Start date
It wouldn't matter. If this happened before we were married I don't see why this should be a problem. You don't have any say in what a person does before you have a commitment from that person, and i mean a marriage license. A person is still free to do whatever they choose if they are not married. And although that person might be in a relationship with you it doesn't mean that they are going to be true blue to you because they are still single per say. Until I am married to a person I don't expect anything from them but respect.
docmump
The Arch Nemesis
I believe that it should not matter. The only thing that matters is the love. :heart: If you love this person, it should not matter. The vows you take superceeds all the previous arrangements. If you are true to these vows then let it go. Sure talk about it, clear the air but dont let this situation be a thorn in the marriage.
I assume that the parties involved thinks that if the person cheats before they get married, they will cheat after marriage.
Is this the feelings of the people in question?
If so then, that is what needs to be discussed not the fact that they cheated before the marrage, but you will cheat during the marrage.
Thats All.
I assume that the parties involved thinks that if the person cheats before they get married, they will cheat after marriage.
Is this the feelings of the people in question?
If so then, that is what needs to be discussed not the fact that they cheated before the marrage, but you will cheat during the marrage.
Thats All.
blaquebuterfly
...is gettin' grown!!
Just my thoughts...
Well, I wish that I could say that it doesn?t matter and that love will save the day and all that jazz, but that is not the case. Yes? it?s true that you can?t control what a person chooses to do in a relationship. They are there own person and you are your own person. However, just because you CAN do something doesn?t mean that you SHOULD. I strongly believe that the behavior that you display to me before the marriage will not necessarily be any different than what you do after you make a vow to me. It?s all about respect? and I have seen it time and time and time again. People that cheat BEFORE they get married will usually cheat AFTER they make their vow. Why? because there are only two types of people out there. Those that cheat to run from their problems, and those that confront their issues face to face. I wouldn?t put up with it because I could never trust him. If I can?t trust you, we have nothing.
Well, I wish that I could say that it doesn?t matter and that love will save the day and all that jazz, but that is not the case. Yes? it?s true that you can?t control what a person chooses to do in a relationship. They are there own person and you are your own person. However, just because you CAN do something doesn?t mean that you SHOULD. I strongly believe that the behavior that you display to me before the marriage will not necessarily be any different than what you do after you make a vow to me. It?s all about respect? and I have seen it time and time and time again. People that cheat BEFORE they get married will usually cheat AFTER they make their vow. Why? because there are only two types of people out there. Those that cheat to run from their problems, and those that confront their issues face to face. I wouldn?t put up with it because I could never trust him. If I can?t trust you, we have nothing.
M
Makaho Bedrock
Guest
My Take
It all begins with respect. If you dig deep enough into anyones past you will find something that you dont approve of or that will change your feelings about the person. For example, my ex-girlfriend...she is my ex for a reason...Went with me to a social function that every black person (damn near) in El Paso, TX. was attending. We went our seperate ways to mingle amongst the crowd...she saw me talking to one of her former High School classmates, which I happend to date 2 years before I met her. She grabbed my arm pulled me to the side and asked me why I was talking to ____________. I then said me and her are friends and we used to date. She then damn near went spastic...she wanted to leave and was about to cause a scene. We went to the car and I asked her WTF was her problem...she then told me that __________was her most hated rival in high school and she hated her to this day, and if I and her were ever "intimate" then she did'nt know if she could "CONTINUE" with me. I then told her the truth that we were and needless to say the relationship went down like the Titanic afterwards.
I said all of that to say this....
Never ask questions you don't REALLY want to know the answer to.....
No man or woman is perfect, unless your name is JESUS.....
Relationships are what you make them: you get out, what you put in......
If you respect each other then the troubles are few and far between....
By the way, there is never a perfect man or woman out there...give them enough time, and they will PISS you off just like the one you are with.
It all begins with respect. If you dig deep enough into anyones past you will find something that you dont approve of or that will change your feelings about the person. For example, my ex-girlfriend...she is my ex for a reason...Went with me to a social function that every black person (damn near) in El Paso, TX. was attending. We went our seperate ways to mingle amongst the crowd...she saw me talking to one of her former High School classmates, which I happend to date 2 years before I met her. She grabbed my arm pulled me to the side and asked me why I was talking to ____________. I then said me and her are friends and we used to date. She then damn near went spastic...she wanted to leave and was about to cause a scene. We went to the car and I asked her WTF was her problem...she then told me that __________was her most hated rival in high school and she hated her to this day, and if I and her were ever "intimate" then she did'nt know if she could "CONTINUE" with me. I then told her the truth that we were and needless to say the relationship went down like the Titanic afterwards.
I said all of that to say this....
Never ask questions you don't REALLY want to know the answer to.....
No man or woman is perfect, unless your name is JESUS.....
Relationships are what you make them: you get out, what you put in......
If you respect each other then the troubles are few and far between....
By the way, there is never a perfect man or woman out there...give them enough time, and they will PISS you off just like the one you are with.
Makaho Bedrock:
How did you suppose to have known that your ex and this other person were rivals? She was very petty and immature, but this is what I mean by respect. It should not have mattered to her if you had dated this person before you dated her. But this is what happens when we don't respect and love each other unconditionally.
How did you suppose to have known that your ex and this other person were rivals? She was very petty and immature, but this is what I mean by respect. It should not have mattered to her if you had dated this person before you dated her. But this is what happens when we don't respect and love each other unconditionally.
blaquebuterfly
...is gettin' grown!!
You are right JSUII about respecting each other. But ultimately, you can?t ever do that until you respect YOURSELF. Like ol? girl in Makaho?s story? no respect for self. She was totally insecure and extremely hateful. Dude? I am glad you rid yourself of that drama. (whipping the sweat off my brow?).
M
Makaho Bedrock
Guest
Originally posted by blaquebuterfly
You are right JSUII about respecting each other. But ultimately, you can?t ever do that until you respect YOURSELF. Like ol? girl in Makaho?s story? no respect for self. She was totally insecure and extremely hateful. Dude? I am glad you rid yourself of that drama. (whipping the sweat off my brow?).
Ultimately if you don't love yourself, how can you love another.
If you don't respect yourself, how can you respect another.
Again to answer BISON-2K1'S initial question about finding out if your husband or wife was cheating is two fold:
For a Woman it is considerably easier to forgive, because it's in their nature.....women are more apt to forgive their men for infidelity because they know the nature of quote, "some other women out there"...I have found that more women approach ME when I am in a serious relationship than when I am solo....I guess forbidden fruit seems more appealing. Another example, me and my married brother go out and when women step to him that know he is married...(we damn near look like twins)...my brother tells these women..."HEY my brother is single and available"..some of them are like "Uhh, something must be wrong with him cuz he has never been married and has no kids !!!"...And Im like, Uhh, they have these things called birth control pills and condoms and not getting married to someone you dont want to spend the rest of your life with.
But, I have heard a lot of women say they prefer married men so, they are gonna be on your "man" like a Hobo on a Ham Sandwich! So a woman's fight is much harder.
For a Man is is considerably harder to forgive, because of the all encompassing MALE EGO. No man ever wants to think his "Stuff" aint the best in the world and his woman could not possibly pass up his ISHT for another man's ISHT. My good friend is going through a dilema like this....he has messed around on his wife (neva been caught though) and found out his wife stepped out....he's like MAN !!! WHAT SHOULD I DO?? Im like bruh you gonna have to do one of two thangs....You gonna have to let her go...or you gonna have to COMPLETELY forgive her for what she has done. Aint no, forgiving her for "now" and strapping a tracking bracelet on her and telling her she can't ever go out the house again. He was a bit dumbfounded, but then I reminded him that women forgive men for the same type of ISHT everyday.
Just my 2 cents....and by the way, Im not married, never been married..been engaged, and found out she was'nt the right one for me. I guess Im still holding out for Tyra Banks. lol
M
Makaho Bedrock
Guest
You know what was so scary about the whole thing JSUII, the High School rivarly was only the tip of the iceberg. I don't know if it was the fact that I fell for her because I had 6 months before broke off an engagement or,.....Uhh, It might have been the fact she as an "F" cup. LOL
But me and her had a lil "Come to Jesus" meeting about our relationship..and of all things I found out about her was....get this...she was MARRIED two years before. I was like, why did you not tell me this ..she then said, I thought that you would not have dated me if you found that out. I told her I have dated divorced women in the past and it was'nt a problem....she then went into a tantrum and blamed me for everything except the Holocaust.
I was like, Dauymm, what else has she not told me....I was just glad I found out when I did. Instead of me posting in this forum from my house, she might have driven me crazy and I might have been making posts from a Mental Institution. LOL
blaquebuterfly
...is gettin' grown!!
Disclaimer: Sorry this is so long, but I get a little hype about the ?cheating? topic.
Well, you have brought up two very interesting topics that I just don?t understand. The first one? women are more likely to take someone back after they have cheated. This is true? but why??? Is it really because we are more sensitive, emotional, and nurturing creatures? Or, is it this notion that woman outnumber men by such a high number in today?s society that we have become desperate to hold on to a ?semi-good? man? Or, is it the ?forgive and forget? syndrome? the notion that if you forgive that you will eventually forget about it and y?all will just move forward in heavenly bliss?
Here is the second question that your statement brings up? why today?s women are going for ?taken? men. After reading about this and talking about it with other woman and men that are jocked by women after they get a girl, I think I get why some women do this. A man that is in a stable relationship shows signs of quality that every woman wants: he is emotional stable, usually financially stable, is committed, is probably monogamous, and if the woman he is with is ?bout it?, then he shows signs of good taste. A single man may have all of these great qualities and then some? but to find out you have to go through the motions of getting to know him. If you lack patience, the ?get to know you? part may be seen as a waste of time if he doesn?t have these qualities.
Also? there is an other aspect to this? if you are getting your lovin? from a married man (or one in a serious relationship) you don?t really have to worry about getting emotionally attached because you know at some point in time it will end.
Sad? to me this is ALL truly sad. The bottom line is all of the above is LACK OF SELF RESPECT!!!!! When you don?t respect yourself you settle. When you don?t respect your self you don?t respect others. PERIOD!!!
Here is Blaquebuterfly?s analysis on cheating:
If your partner cheats on you? the relationship is OVER!!! Don?t sugar coat it and don?t fool yourself thinking it will pass. In order for one to cheat, they must lie. Lying is a sign of distrust. If you lie to the one you love, you don?t respect them. So all together: Your partner has lied to you, is not trustworthy, and has no respect for you. Wow? what a catch.
Man? I seriously pray that people will get a load of self-respect and self-love and stop this madness of settling. :redhot:
Well, you have brought up two very interesting topics that I just don?t understand. The first one? women are more likely to take someone back after they have cheated. This is true? but why??? Is it really because we are more sensitive, emotional, and nurturing creatures? Or, is it this notion that woman outnumber men by such a high number in today?s society that we have become desperate to hold on to a ?semi-good? man? Or, is it the ?forgive and forget? syndrome? the notion that if you forgive that you will eventually forget about it and y?all will just move forward in heavenly bliss?
Here is the second question that your statement brings up? why today?s women are going for ?taken? men. After reading about this and talking about it with other woman and men that are jocked by women after they get a girl, I think I get why some women do this. A man that is in a stable relationship shows signs of quality that every woman wants: he is emotional stable, usually financially stable, is committed, is probably monogamous, and if the woman he is with is ?bout it?, then he shows signs of good taste. A single man may have all of these great qualities and then some? but to find out you have to go through the motions of getting to know him. If you lack patience, the ?get to know you? part may be seen as a waste of time if he doesn?t have these qualities.
Also? there is an other aspect to this? if you are getting your lovin? from a married man (or one in a serious relationship) you don?t really have to worry about getting emotionally attached because you know at some point in time it will end.
Sad? to me this is ALL truly sad. The bottom line is all of the above is LACK OF SELF RESPECT!!!!! When you don?t respect yourself you settle. When you don?t respect your self you don?t respect others. PERIOD!!!
Here is Blaquebuterfly?s analysis on cheating:
If your partner cheats on you? the relationship is OVER!!! Don?t sugar coat it and don?t fool yourself thinking it will pass. In order for one to cheat, they must lie. Lying is a sign of distrust. If you lie to the one you love, you don?t respect them. So all together: Your partner has lied to you, is not trustworthy, and has no respect for you. Wow? what a catch.
Man? I seriously pray that people will get a load of self-respect and self-love and stop this madness of settling. :redhot:
jelli
Music Lover
Jelli's 2 cents
In answer to the original question...I think the trust thing will be shakey and you must look at where you were in your relationship when the cheating occured. You could have had a fight or maybe you were on a break. I don't condone cheating but it happens and you have decide if you are willing to forgive. I dont think you ever forget. But you accept that it happend and move on.
Now on the other stuff....Women who date married men have some serious self esteem issues whether they know it or not. What I don't understand is if he cheats on his wife what makes them think he won't cheat on them?
And a person that cheats on their wife or husband has some self esteem issues too.
Oh Makaho be glad you got rid of that fool, she sounds like a real drama queen. Scraight Crazy...
And this thing about women approaching guys who are taken...well usually when you have someone in your life there a certain "air " about you. People ( not just men) have a confidence and self assuredness(is that a word ) that they display. So a single person notices this. At least that is why I think married men or women are approached more.
In answer to the original question...I think the trust thing will be shakey and you must look at where you were in your relationship when the cheating occured. You could have had a fight or maybe you were on a break. I don't condone cheating but it happens and you have decide if you are willing to forgive. I dont think you ever forget. But you accept that it happend and move on.
Now on the other stuff....Women who date married men have some serious self esteem issues whether they know it or not. What I don't understand is if he cheats on his wife what makes them think he won't cheat on them?
And a person that cheats on their wife or husband has some self esteem issues too.
Oh Makaho be glad you got rid of that fool, she sounds like a real drama queen. Scraight Crazy...
And this thing about women approaching guys who are taken...well usually when you have someone in your life there a certain "air " about you. People ( not just men) have a confidence and self assuredness(is that a word
) that they display. So a single person notices this. At least that is why I think married men or women are approached more.