Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Atlanta Falcons


Tiger1

Tiger1

Well-Known Member
Atlanta.jpg

Some people are fans of the Atlanta Falcons. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Atlanta Falcons. This 2014 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

Your team: Atlanta Falcons

Your 2013 record: 4-12. Really dodged a bullet there. You and I were nearly saddled with the burden of having to watch Matt Ryan lose in the playoffs for the fourth year in a row! PHEW! Glad we didn't have to go though that exercise again. You know how analysts say a playoff game contains many "intriguing subplots"? This is not true when the Falcons play in a playoff game. There is no intrigue. There are no subplots. There is only one plot and that plot is, "How will they lose and how unwatchable can they make the process of losing?"

Your coach: Pinky-ring salesman Mike Smith. Hey, did you know that this team is on Hard Knocks this year, and that Hard Knocks is going on as we speak? You probably did not, because these are the Falcons and the Falcons are the C-SPAN of football. I was told the main highlight of the premiere was Mike Smith wearing amusing shower shoes. Jesus Christ. I've seen better-drawn characters on an episode of Dog with a Blog.

Whenever NFL Films shows up, there are usually a handful of players who talk extra loud because they know they're on film (Ray Lewis used to do this all the time). Watch that Hard Knocks premiere and you will see Roddy White and company straining to be telegenic, talking mild trash on the field and laughing WAY too loud, as if a director is standing behind the camera begging them for decent coverage. You people aren't CBS pregame show material yet.

Your quarterback: Matt Ryan. All this time we've been wondering if Joe Flacco is elite. Meanwhile, Matty Ice skates by, completely under-scrutinized when it comes to elite-itude. Here is Matt Ryan's game log from a season ago. Can you pinpoint where Julio Jones gets hurt? I'll give you a hint: It's somewhere before Ryan throws 15 picks in his last 10 games. OOPTY!

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2014-atlanta-falcons-1618139918/all
 



These fvcking falcons. :emlaugh:

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:lmao:
 
JROCK said:
Now this is funny. :lol: :emlaugh:

On another note, the Falcons have a commercial that they are back and putting the NFC South on notice. The commercial ends by saying, "Ya'll been warned!"
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I like how they stay optimistic year after year for just another sad, half-ass handjob. :lol: :emlaugh:

Allow me to sum up the last decade or so of Falcons football/Atlanta professional sports in general: let's say you meet a really cute girl. You start to hit it off with her and eventually you work up the nerve to ask her out. First date comes and you have a FANTASTIC time together. You get back to your place and things start heating up but just before you can seal the deal, she gives you a handjob and goes home. After that first date you're thinking "ALL RIGHT! Things are moving along pretty nicely!" You call her for a second date, things go just as well, get back to your place, aaaaaand handjob. Now you're still optimistic at this point "Hey, this girl just wants to go slow! We'll get to the good stuff soon enough!" Third, fourth, fifth date, handjob, handjob, handjob. By the sixth date you don't even want to waste your evening anymore. You know you're just gonna have another great date, let your hopes get nice and lofty again, only for them to be dashed by an uncomfortable handie. But you go anyway. You do against all of your better senses because you're hoping against all hope that for no particular reason, all of this progress you've made is going to eventually lead to something greater. But it won't. It never does. It never will.

That is what being an Atlanta Falcons fan is like: a sad, half-assed handjob.
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JAG89 said:
Y'all thought Darren Sproles made y'all heads spin. I have one name that will make you funky chicken fans heads spin so hard that y'all will wring your own necks.

Brandin Cooks
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He will probably go for 150 against The FAILcons. That defense has no pass rush and weak DB's.
 
It's really that bad in the ATL. At least they would have a new stadium to take a nap in: :emlaugh:

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JAG89 said:
Y'all thought Darren Sproles made y'all heads spin. I have one name that will make you funky chicken fans heads spin so hard that y'all will wring your own necks.

Brandin Cooks
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Who? Learn the name, FREEMAN and REEDY. Learn them well.
 
PsychoJag said:
He will probably go for 150 against The FAILcons. That defense has no pass rush and weak DB's.
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I think we might give them a used up wide receiver or two. Right now Marques Colson and Brandin Cooks are looking to be the 1 and 2 receivers with Jimmy Graham as that hybrid TE/WR. That weak defense won't have a clue. :lol:
 
JAG89 said:
I think we might give them a used up wide receiver or two. Right now Marques Colson and Brandin Cooks are looking to be the 1 and 2 receivers with Jimmy Graham as that hybrid TE/WR. That weak defense won't have a clue. :lol:
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Don't forget about Stills and Morgan. That's 3 WR's that can run sub 4.3 40's. We will probably run for 200 yards too.
 
PsychoJag said:
Don't forget about Stills and Morgan. That's 3 WR's that can run sub 4.3 40's. We will probably run for 200 yards too.
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I guess they can have Meacham. And if he play his cards right, he can retire with the dirty birds with fat pockets.
 
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JAG89 said:
I think we might give them a used up wide receiver or two. Right now Marques Colson and Brandin Cooks are looking to be the 1 and 2 receivers with Jimmy Graham as that hybrid TE/WR. That weak defense won't have a clue. :lol:
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Don't forget about Ingram and Robinson running that ball all over the chicken house
 
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