Why is a spouse in a white marriage more apt to stay home?


Bartram

Bartram

Brand HBCUbian
I have been in the workforce/real world for over a decade now and one constant I have seen in my line of work (maybe that's an overriding factor) is the difference between white and black married couples. Almost without exception, every white guy that I have worked with, their wife does not work or either was working and stopped to have a baby, subsequently stay home and raise the kids,,, etc. Usually the white guy is an engineer/high paid professional type and the wife may or may not be the same,, mostly not,,, usually was a nurse/teacher/secretary. Conversely, most every black couple that I know, both spouses work and that is the overriding emphasis in the relationship,,, WE BOTH WILL/GOTTA/WANT-TO WORK. All my married friends from college are married to spouses "on their level".

I find this totally amazing in that, number one, how in the world do the white couples manage????? That's really kind of a rhetorical question because from what I see, I understand how they manage. They are like a "closed family" i.e., they don't do much. They live very modestly. On the other hand, many black couples are pretty much like the new age, college educated version of The Jeffersons having to start off with "the best", "the biggest", "the most", "the most glamorous",,, etc, on & on.

Why is this? Is it because we as a race are still pretty much a generation of "firsts" to have "made it"???? Classic conspicuous consumption in effect, thus we (both of "us") have to work to support our lifestyles, or is it more the psychological aspect of the "independent spouse" which has been drilled into our heads(especially sistas),, etc? Comments?
 
Well, as I see it....

Material things mean a lot to "many" black people. Big rides, phat rims, houses, etc... are status symbols. We compete to show how we've "made it" ...so to speak. This is not true of everyone. A lot of times we're reared where the man/head of household says...."If I work, everybody in here works"...etc.

White folks choose different things in life. Some of them realize the value of having a parent at home WITH the kids. Some of us realize it too...but we don't get paid as much as a white man. Therefore, we're FORCED to both work.


I don't know. I'd love to stay home with our children in the future, but it is unlikely.

You are correct that many of them live modest lives. They get buy with a nice 3 bedroom home and average cars. Sometimes I've seen PLENTY of them have NICE houses with regular cars that are reasonable in value. Where as black folks might not have a house but they'll have the ride with the rims...etc.
 

I think it is a mixture of a number of things for Black people:

1. Lack of unity even in marriages- One spouse oftentimes is talking the talk, but not walking the walk. So only one of you is working for the common goal.

2. Increased independence of Black women- a realistic solution for the reality of depending on an undependable man. Not saying that all men are undependable, but many are.

3. View of Black women as shiftless and lazy if we do not work

4. pressure from spouse, family and friends to "contribute"

5. Abuse received from women in these types of situations from spouse (unequal work loads, disrespectful speech and actions, etc.)

It is very doable. We must all be on the same page and be truly working together for the good of our family.
 
I think it depends on how much the wife makes. Her working income may not be worth staying at her/his job.

Ex. If a woman is making $2500/month from working and it cost $1000/month for Day Care for 1 child and she has 3 or 4 kids than she may not think her job is justifiable to have because she'll just be breaking even, maybe. She won't see any of the money she's making anyway. She'd probably rather just stay home and enjoy the benefit of being with her kids all day and probably save money.

I also agree that whites sometimes live more conservatively than US once we get nice jobs.
 
What's more important?

nevaehinvesting:
Do we have our priorities out of wack? Is it "worth more" to have direct influence in how our offspring are raised no matter how much the spouse that stays home could make?

chocalate_topaz
DOH! :eek: Stinging points there, but is this generally the case? Some very crucial points raised. I think some of your points lead DIRECTLY to the inclination for both spouses in black marriages to work because it is the way we have been brought up, what we have been exposed to more so than white couples.

Ms. Jag4Jag
We didn't make nowhere near as much before, say, the 1970s and we were more family oriented with a sole bread winner. It is arguable rather or not we were more "successful" as a race then, but generally the argument is made that we were. I think now days much of the argument that we don't make as much is being erroded. Ok so the white worker may make 80K and the black worker may make 77K,,,,,, is that make-or-break? but then chocalate_topaz raises those stinging issues of ,,,,, see the thread,,, which necessitates both working.

This/yallz points are all very key. What I think it boils down to is fundamental differences in value structures between black and white couples. Would yall agree or disagree??
 
my 2 cents

I have lived and experienced both sides of this issue. When our daughters was small the wife stayed at home while I work. I believe the family unity and the relationship they have with their mother today is directly contributed to her being at home. The family were more active, involved, and communicated better. My thing was as long as we live within our means she didn't have to work. As the kids got older she returned to school to finish her degree and started to work. The whole family dynamic changed. We no longer had time to do nor go places together. Our (my) involvement in some of the school and community activities declined, including church :( , and we began to have more heated discussions. There might be other issues at play here but the key is communicating what is expected, what are "our" goals as a family and how we plan to get there. It can work both ways but it take both parties on the same accord. Btw, my youngest is a high school senior and the oldest is a college senior. Life for me begins next year when she leaves the nest. :D Now where is that cruise pamphlet?
 
I think you all touched on some great points. I do believe our priorities, as a people, are in the wrong place.

I know my parents struggled and worked 5 jobs between the two of them when were first married, so that now my mom does not have to work and hasn't worked in over 27 years. They made MANY sacrifices in the beginning and are now reaping the benefits.
 
both parents working

My parents both worked also, but my Dad still contends to this day that they saved more money while my Mom was not working than while she was working.

Their setup while raising us four syblings was decidedly different from what's the norm today though. first of all, they were living in a small town where Pops had relatives out the ying-yang, so daycare was pretty much not a concept. "daycare" was pretty much taking us over to Aunt("Aint") ______'s house or Cousin("Cuttun") _____'s house, and giving them what they could to keep us while they were at work and/or after school until they could pick us up. Many days I would stay with my Gramps until my Mom picked me up.
 
Well when my children were young I stayed home also. I don't think the majority of blacks have their priorties mixed-up anymore so than whites. Whites have always had better jobs and higher paying jobs than blacks. Even if we have the same degree that whites have we still don't get paid the same salary. I work with engineers every day and a lot of the white engineers wives doesn't work, but the majority of the black engineers wives work, but that is due to the fact that a lot of the blacks are not promoted to their grades steps like they promote the white boy. I can only speak from the perspective of where I am working.
 
Bartram: I agree.


While growing up, my Mom worked. She was a single mom it was very necessary for her to work. There was no help involved. It was a strain on my Mom, but she did it.

I'd much prefer staying home in the early years with the children as BG stated...BgJag: You make excellent points in your scenario! It is ideal.
 
The people of European decent that I work with mostly come back to work after having their kids (either part of full time). The ones that did not come back have a lot of money. The ones the come back cannot afford to quit their jobs.
 
good topic

I think everyone made some good points.

I also think another factor has to do with the historical perspective of what a marriage is supposed to be about. This is where it began.

For example, back in the day, when white women finally began to go to higher institutions of learning, they didn't do so that they could have a career, they went so they could find a husband. Our ancestors went to school/college because it meant a sense of freedom and obtaining an education was an end to an otherwise meager existence. Slaves were killed for learning how to read and massa knew that once we learned how to read or communicate, our lives would drastically improve. Our emphasis on education was/is different than theirs is.

To us, working and getting an education is a part of our independence as a people and it's been instilled in us for generations. To "them" it's always been the plantation mentality, wife stays home, has the babies and hires the housekeeper and husband works and makes the money. Back then, even those poor white folks who couldn't afford to have just one income, still had the wife at home because it was the thing to do.

Nowadays, with so many pressures in society and so many negative things influencing our kids, staying home is sometimes the best alternative. In most black homes, both the husband AND the wife want careers. But, as someone else mentioned, it also goes back to black folks wanting the best of everything and to get it both of them have to work. In the white home, just the husband can work (those making well over $250K probably) and they can have the best of everything. But, you are also finding more and more white wives "depressed" and "unfulfilled" and you know see more of them "going back to school".

So, what's the alternative and is there a happy medium?
 
In order to be successful in America, one must understand the society we live in. The sooner each of understand our society we can move forward. The main issue occurs when we try to do like others.

After fully understanding Maslow's Theory, I preceeded to make may way through the system. In the 1960 our society was changed as it relates to Blacks in this country and life will never be the same as before.

There are many who are trying to hold on to the values of old, but are slowly losing. As we continue to change the world is watching. Everytime someone is appointed to a high position in America, their record clearly shows how they have prevented Blacks as a whole from reaching our full potential. These are the issues, I read closely. I try to understand and help people to look at the other side of things. I have often said many times on the smack page that our football record is not bad, we are the best average team in America. I learned that if I had spent my life wishing that I was white I would have failed.

Often times in the workforce whites would told me what I needed to do and I would tell them if you get out of the way I can get it done. Yes, many of us have done well, but one must understand the issues. The biggest issue is the monetary system. Fly now pay later, charge is pay $25.00 a month.

What we have learned we must pass it on to our children.

I enjoyed reading your comments, very good topic.
 
Jag-Tig and MightyDog,,,

MD:
If we are doing the right thing and competing effectively, we still are at a disadvantage because they have ultimate control and call the shots (unless we are in charge of our own businesses). As the old saying goes, "we have to be 2-3 times better than them". Until we control the majority of the economy, it's a "tuff row to hoe". (now that may be unfamiliar slang for you young folk; that's an analogy to using a hoe to clear weeds in a garden,, or as it was originally termed,, to cut weeds in a cotton field.)

JT:
Excellent points. Your angles give a detailed perspective without a doubt. The points about white females going to college vs us is bulleye. I think it worked more so for them than us, even though we had some of that doctrine being taught also.

You say that only those with $250K, etc. How would you explain some of those I have worked with/work with who only make from 40-60K and have 2 kids minimum and a wife that don't work????
 

Bartham, the issues that we are discussing will not be solved in our life time. Observing 60 minutes last night, they talked about the Arabs in Dearborn, MI and the Cubans sending dollars back to Cuba. What the programs pointed out is that America is land of opportunity for everyone with the exception of Blacks. Sure we have well to do Blacks in America, but for blacks to generate wealth, a lot of changes will have to take place. Since 1492, we have made progress but each generation is beaten back by another race who comes to our country and the court system. Something that Justice Thomas will never understand, because it is the courts that determines our way of like in this country.

Affairmative Action came about because folks died fighting to get a piece of the American Pie. As we observe others races coming to America, they are provided opportunities far greater than those of us who have been living here all our lives. I hope as we continue the war on terrorism, we can stop some of the drugs coming into our country. Some years ago I interviewed Dick Gergory on my TV show. He explained how America will never allow Blacks to have another uprising like happened in the 60s. Everything that he talked about is happening to Blacks as he described in back in 1975.

This is why we must continue to teach our children that life for Black Americans will continue to have some difficult days ahead.

Understanding the issues without becoming angry is a great step. Take what we know and make a bad situation better.
 
looking down the barrel of the gun.......

This is a topic that has been on our "family discussion" table lately.

It was always my intention to stay home with my kids for the first few years. That was before I gradauted, began my career then got married. I absolutely love what I do! Now, I'm six months pregnant and having to address this issue in "real time". The money isn't so much an issue, I married an engineer. My hesitation has been more influenced by the boredom I've encountered while being on bedrest for the last month (admittantly on some level it challenges my independent black woman symdrome- I've always worked). If we still lived in Lousiana where we each have a "village" of family that could help us raise our children we wouldn't have a problem (but here in Houston, it's just the two of us). All that aside, I will never love anything as much as I love my child (even while still in the womb) and not working will be a small sacrafice to ensure that he has the right start in life. I'm glad it's an option we have.

Note:
By the time he makes it to preschool he'll know the ends and outs of African & Black history, and have a love of self that will prepare him for any hits he has to encounter when he grows up. Of-course he'll be a Rhodes scholor by the time he's 12 and graduate college (Southern of-course) when he's 15.....but nevermind that. ;)
 
Some things that white folk can't control,,,

Living within one's means.

Saving money, make sound investments for the future of the family unit.

Making the long-term well being of the family the #1 priority as opposed to living up to societal expecations/keeping up with the Jones,, etc.

Stressing financial independence through education and/or business-entreprenurial activities.

I don't care what the white man does,,, if I have money, number one, common sense not to do things that he can get me via the law on number two,,, I can wage a hello of a fight to maintain and be independent,, especially now days. and as money/finacial clout goes,,, so goes politics.

Take the athletes and the stars as the most blatant, exaggerated example; what if the majority of them banked their funds, were ultra-conservative and as tenacious and methodical as, say, the Jews in terms of putting their money to use and gaining control of economic power????

You know,, these militia types and klan idiots can run all the smack against Jews and make all the Jew jokes they want while out in the back woods in militia training. Meanwhile the Jews control much of the things in this country that really affect life; banks, media, commerce, politics, the law,, what did I miss?? Granted they look "white", but still, I say if Negros were generally more focused on saving money/amassing wealth and real property instead of spending money and attaining fleeting material wealth, we would be a heck of a lot more invulnerable to the "control" of some outside group.
 
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