Religious Joke


Stormy

Stormy

extradinaire d'auteur
A Catholic, a Baptist and a Charismatic died at the same time and each went to Heaven. Upon thier arrival they were told by St. Peter that their living quarters were not yet ready. St. Peter felt aweful about the situation and after a few moments of reflection called satan and asked him to put the three people up for a few days while their rooms are being finished. satan was unusually cordial and complied with St. Peters request. And so the three people literally went to hell.

A few hours later satan called St. Peter and said "You have to come get them. They must leave".

St. Peter was surprised and asked "Why?".

satan made a long sigh then answered, "The Catholic is forgiving everyone, the Baptist is saving everyone, and the Charismatic has almost raised enough money for air conditioning".

From Paster Joel Osteen: Lakewood Church; Houston, Texas
 

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A Robber broke into a house late one night while the owners were away and tried to make his way through the dark home. Before he could turn on the lights he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching." He immediately frooze because he thought the house was empty. A couple of seconds later he heard the voice again, "Jesus is watching."

He decided to turn on a light to see who was there and to his surprise he only saw a Talking Parakeet. The bird then said, "Leave this house, Jesus is watching!" The relieved Burgular laughed and said, "you're just a little bird, you can't do anything me, I'm not leaving, who do you think you are?"

The bird said, "My name is Moses, my name is Moses!"

The Robber said, "what kind of Silly owners would name a bird, Moses?"

The Bird replied, "The same owners who would name a 175 pound Pit Bull, Jesus."


From Paster Joel Osteen: Lakewood Church; Houston, Texas
 
Well, I have to chime on in

The LAST WORD

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."

To which his father replied... "Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"
 
Here's my contribution!

Don't step on the ducks

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...Don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they tried their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck. Along comes St. Peter with another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. Then, one day, St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... tall, muscular and with wonderful hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
 
Black Folx In Heaven

Gabriel came to the lord and said, "I have to talk to you, I have a problem.
I know you made us and we have to love everybody, but our Black folk up here
in Heaven are causing some problems. They are swinging on the Pearly Gates,
my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, hamhock,
sparerib, and pigfeet bones are all over the streets of gold, some are
walking around with one wing, they have been late taking their turn in
keeping the stairway to Heaven clean, there are watermelon seeds all over
the clouds, some aren't even wearing their halos, saying it doesn't fit
right with their hair styles."
The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home
to all my children.
If you really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil." The Devil
answered the phone, "Hello? Dang, hold on." The devil returned to the phone
and said, "Hello Lord, what can I do for you?" The Lord replied, "Tell me
what kind of problems you are having down there?"
The Devil said, "Wait one minute", and put the Lord on hold. After 5 minutes
he returned to the phone, and said, "Okay, I'm back. What was the question?"
The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil
said, "Man, I don't beli...hold on, Lord." This time the Devil was gone for
15 minutes.
The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk to you right now.
These Black folks dun put the fire out and are trying to install air
conditioning!
 
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