Relationship Issues


Vinita

Vinita

Let's Go Lions, GO!
Okay, I have something I need feedback on. I have a male friend who is in somewhat of the doghouse. Let me give you some background.

Not too long ago, he and his wife were having some serious issues. However, they chose to stay together and weather the storm. While they were having problems, he had a "fling" with another woman.

*disclaimer: I am not trying to lay sole blame on the man, because the woman was no saint as far as behavior. However, her behavior didn't include adultery*

Anyway, the wife has found out that the husband is still in communication with this woman, and she is steaming like lava in water. My friend, however, does not understand the problem, because he considers this woman a "friend." To me, she is nothing more than a wolf in sheep's clothing, and he is extremely stupid for not seeing that.

When I say that, though, I get, "I thought I was your boy ... you don't give your boy any credit." Now, if you only communicate with someone on your cell phone, work phone, or via work e-mail, you are doing something you know you don't have any business doing, in my opinion. I could go on for days on this, but I want other opinions.

What's your take on this?
 
I don't have answers, but I do have some questions?

If he and his wife are trying to work through this, why does he have to remain friends with this woman? Is he that clueless that he can't comprehend why his wife doesn't like the situation?

If it was a fling, why is it so difficult for him to just break of all communication with this woman? I'm sure the friendship didn't run that deep. :rolleyes:
 

That is what I am trying to get him to see. If it was "nothing," why can't he let go? Hell, they only met during the time when he and his wife were having problems. It's not as if they had been friends for years. I don't want to chalk it up to dumb man syndrome, but that is what it is amounting to.
 
Exactly!!!!!

If he only met the woman while he and his wife were having problems, then he needs to leave well enough alone.

That's not friendship; that's hot sex on the platter.

Homeboy ain't foolin' nobody.:eek:
 
1. He does not need to contact this woman.

2. Communicating only at work or cell phone sends a red flag in my opinion.

3. What is his motive? Why not give the wife the respect she deserves instead of allowing this woman to take center stage in front of his wife?

4. Does he know the wife desires he NOT communicate with said woman?

5. Does he know how it makes her feel?

6. Which woman's feelings does he care about the most? Apparently, he cares about the woman's feelings more than his <i>beloved wife's</i> feelings.
Or does he?

7. If he truly wants this to work out with his WIFE, he'll cut all ties with the outsider in order to maintain his FAMILY relationship and his VOWS before God.


What does the wife think?

This is just my opinion.
 
And you also know how men like to have their egos stroked. If he feels he is in the doghouse at home, he still may be keeping this woman around so he can hear her tell him how sexy his, how wonderful of a man he is, how she can't live without him, that's there's no man on earth like him, etc.

He may have indeed cut all physical ties, but stills wants to know and reinforce in his mind that he's the shiznit to other women and that they find him attractive.

It could be a dumb male thing or just plain ego neglection.
 
Excellent points ladies. I'd be interested in hearing serious comments from men who may have a different view.
 
Or, it ...

Could be a baby! Of course, this idea was met with MUCH HORROR ... lmao @ silly negroes!
 
Don't jump to conclusions (because we know that you don't like people to jump to them with YOU ;))

Contrary to what 'some' believe...it IS possible to maintain a plutonic friendship AFTER two people had previously been sexually inclined.

But who knows?...he may deem her as a genuine friend. During the period of rockiness with ol dude and his wife, this friendship may be what helped lead them to the path of reconciliation. That's something that too many people overlook...the "things" that have helped LEAD to the two working things out.

But on the flipside...he may be grateful, but he needs to do whatever he needs to do to save his marriage. This is more clearcut because this is a NEW friendship...not one that has stood the tests of time.
I have come to find out that if she IS really a TRUE friend (no matter how new the friendship might be), she SHOULD understand let the man handle his.
Don't get me wrong...I'm not saying that he should view her as dropping off the face of the earth, but communication should be kept to a bear mininum (which is kinda hard to define).

But Nita I then ask you this:

The wife may know of the other woman's existence, but does she know that they ACTUALLY had a fling?
If yes, then he should know good n dayum well why she's upset.
 
Trying to add another view...

Originally posted by Ms. Jag4Jag
1. He does not need to contact this woman.
<font color=green>You are probably right!</font>

2. Communicating only at work or cell phone sends a red flag in my opinion.
<font color=green>Even with legit friendships, some people STILL have issues with jealousy. Does that mean get rid of all friends of the opposite sex to "appease" your mate?</font>

3. What is his motive? Why not give the wife the respect she deserves instead of allowing this woman to take center stage in front of his wife?
<font color=green>Who said that she was center stage???
For all we know, she now may be 4th or 5th tier. It's her EXISTENCE that's causing the problems....</font>

4. Does he know the wife desires he NOT communicate with said woman?
<font color=green>Yep...</font>

5. Does he know how it makes her feel?
<font color=green>Do WE know that????
All we know is that she's not happy with it...could be various feelings that she might have. </font>

6. Which woman's feelings does he care about the most? Apparently, he cares about the woman's feelings more than his <i>beloved wife's</i> feelings.
Or does he?
<font color=green>Big assumption. No verification that the other woman's feelings have even come into play. This is HIS doing...put those feelings as HIS OWN.</font>

7. If he truly wants this to work out with his WIFE, he'll cut all ties with the outsider in order to maintain his FAMILY relationship and his VOWS before God.

<font color=green>This is true.</font>


What does the wife think?

This is just my opinion.
<font color=green>I know and respect that...</font>
Click to expand...

Y'all know how I do....objectivity is my game! :D
 
Originally posted by Ntelekt

Contrary to what 'some' believe...it IS possible to maintain a plutonic friendship AFTER two people had previously been sexually inclined.

But who knows?...he may deem her as a genuine friend. During the period of rockiness with ol dude and his wife, this friendship may be what helped lead them to the path of reconciliation. That's something that too many people overlook...the "things" that have helped LEAD to the two working things out.

But on the flipside...he may be grateful, but he needs to do whatever he needs to do to save his marriage

<b>I have come to find out that if she IS really a TRUE friend (no matter how new the friendship might be), she SHOULD understand let the man handle his.</b>

Don't get me wrong...I'm not saying that he should view her as dropping off the face of the earth, but communication should be kept to a bear mininum (which is kinda hard to define).

But Nita I then ask you this:

The wife may know of the other woman's existence, but does she know that they ACTUALLY had a fling?
If yes, then he should know good n dayum well why she's upset.
Click to expand...

Ntelekt, I agree with everything you just said especially about the woman understanding that he can't be as close to her because he now has a WIFE and that part about the "bear minimum"!
 
Originally posted by Vinita
The wife knows because his dumb ass said too much in a fit of anger.
Click to expand...

Well because of that stupidity right there...he DOES need to end contact!
The "bear minimum" can't be applied here as easily as in other cases.

We don't (well *I* don't) know if the fling caused initial problems, but that added to it therefore, he needs to cease and desist.

They may NOT be still intimate (no matter what people think), but that particular friendship is unhealthy for the marriage....
 
Ntelekt,
You mentioned jealousy. If he admitted as Nita stated that he had a fling or even used to kick it with ol' girl. Then the wife has a right to be jealous. She may have a little fear that he might want to revisit with ol' girl.

I don't think he needs to get rid of ALL friendships of the opposite sex. However, THIS particular woman is causing havoc in his household! Respect the wife and move on.
 
I don't think she's causing havoc (they already had problems), but I do agree that her presence isn't helping the case any.

Who knows????....for all we know, she might be WILLING to step out of the friendship realm, and he could be saying:
"Naw that ain't necessary...it's all good."

But as far as my jealousy theory, that was not necessarily being applied in this case. WE all know both men and women who just cannot fathom the fact that their S.O. has friends of the opposite sex. That's all about insecurities, but this case does provide legitimacy for alarm.

And that "respect for wife" is a touchy one, also (goes back to insecurities).

Some women may feel that "having respect for me" is her man not associating with unrelated females.
Some may deem "respect" as doing as I say, not as I do".
Some may see "respecting me" as paying for every dayum thing, and I'll treat you on your birthday.

And in all of the cases above, you will often find the woman's girlfriends co-signing right behind her...;)
 

You have some points Ntel, but I'm not vibing with some of them. Why? For one, it seems you have a point with jealousy, but don't fail to realize that not every woman is jealous. Don't fail to realize that many women won't always view his friends of the opposite sex as "an issue". In this case, THIS woman's presence is ...errrr not healthy? :D
 
Reading is fundamental...

Originally posted by Ms. Jag4Jag
You have some points Ntel, but I'm not vibing with some of them. Why? For one, it seems you have a point with jealousy, but don't fail to realize that not every woman is jealous. Don't fail to realize that many women won't always view his friends of the opposite sex as "an issue". In this case, THIS woman's presence is ...errrr not healthy? :D
Click to expand...

Hmmmm....I don't recall ever saying or implying that EVERY woman is jealous. :confused:

If I view EVERY WOMAN as having a problem with jealousy, or EVERY WOMAN has issues with the opposite sex....why did I continue to say "SOME women"?????

Actually, I believe that I said "men and women"
Better yet...here it is:

"But as far as my jealousy theory, that was not necessarily being applied in this case. WE all know both men and women who just cannot fathom the fact that their S.O. has friends of the opposite sex. That's all about insecurities, but this case does provide legitimacy for alarm."

Don't forget this one...

They may NOT be still intimate (no matter what people think), but that particular friendship is unhealthy for the marriage....

Got any more? ;) :D
 
Gotcha! In my haste to make my point, I over looked that "some". Sorry, and I digress! I like the points you made! :D
 
It's all good...you're not the first. ;)

Nita:

Are you friends with BOTH parties, or just with the husband?
 
Both

But I am closer (I guess) to the husband, because I have known him longer.

And I'll say here what I said to him ...

"Eventually your wife is going to get over her insecurity and get in the game ... and women don't tend to play to lose ..."

That didn't go over well, either ... boy, men can dish it out but they sure as hell can't take it!
 
Don't mind me....

I just needed to upload the new Bling for my avatar! ;)

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Originally posted by Vinita
The wife knows because his dumb ass said too much in a fit of anger.
Click to expand...

Do you think he may have said this in a fit of anger just to piss her off knowly that he was just friends with this person and nothing actually happened?

Sometimes people will lie to get the other person so mad that it hurts them. I'm not saying that he did not have something going on but you really never know.
 
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