JROCK
Preeminent
Hear ye, hear ye... the case of Mr. Jaguar Nation vs. Ms. JSU Tired@$$ and little JSU tired@$$....
[The Judge] - Are both plantiff and defendant present...
[Bailiff] - Yes, your honor.
[The Judge] - Are attorneys present and ready?
[Attorney for Plantiff] - Yes, your honor
[Attorney for Defendant] - Yes, your honor.
[The Judge] - This is a case of paternity, but let me get this straight. It's not a case to prove someone is the father in order get child support, rather it's a case to get a child to accept hir true father. This is a very unusual case. Normally we are rounding up deadbeat Dads in attempts to get them to pay child support. But in this case the plantiff, Mr. Jaguar Nation is claiming to be the father of little JSU tired@$$, son of the defendant, Ms. JSU tired@$$, but neither Ms. JSU tired@$$ nor her juvenile son claim him as the father.
Attorney's are you ready for your opening statements.
[Attorneys] - Yes, your honor.
[The Judge] - You may began Mr. Cochran.
[Mr. Cochran] - Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I intend today with clear and concise evidence that will prove that Mr. Jaguar Nation is indeed the father of little JSU tired@$$. Mr. Jaguar Nation desires to provide fatherly guidance, love and financial support for his offspring. We will show that the glove does fit in this case, DNA results. With custody, Mr. Jaguar Nation wants to start by taking his son on weekend trip to B'ham, Alabama.
[The Judge] - Okay, Ms. Clark you may proceed.
[Ms. Clark] - Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I will show beyond a reasonable doubt that Mr. Jaguar Nation can't possible be little JSU tired@$$'s father. I intend to call the GSU Cartel to testify that he is JSU tired@$$'s Daddy. If anything, Mr. Jaguar Nation maybe the grandfather of little JSU tired@$$ if anything. Mr. Cartel isn't here at the moment but should arrive momentarily.
[Judge ITO] - Okay, Mr. Cochran call your first witness.
[Mr. Cochran] - I call to the stand, Barry Scheck, a DNA expert.
[Bailiff] - Do you uphold to smack the story, the whole story, nothing but the story as you know it.
[Barry Scheck]- I do.
[Mr. Cochran] - Did you take a blood sample from little JSU tired@$$.
[Barry Scheck] - Yes
[Mr. Cochran] - Did you take a blood sample from Mr. Jaguar Nation.
[Barry Scheck] - Yes
[Mr. Cochran] - What conclusion did you draw from these two blood samples?
[Barry Scheck] - That, there is 1-to-1 certainty that Mr. Jaguar Nation is the father of little JSU tired@$$. In addition, Mr. Jaguar Nation had numerous affairs with Ms. JSU tired@$$ over the years and holds a decisive edge and laid her the last five years.
[Mr. Cochran] - No farther questions.
[Judge Ito] - You may cross-examine Ms. Clark.
[Ms. Clark] - No, questions for this witness.
[Judge Ito] - Any more witnesses, Mr. Cochran.
[Mr. Cochran] - I rest our case.
[Judge Ito] - Ms. Clark any witness.
[Ms. Clark] - I call little JSU tired@$$ to the stand.
[Bailiff] - Do you uphold to smack the story, the whole story, nothing but the story as you know it.
[JSU tired@$$] - I do.
[Ms. Clark] - Little JSU tired@$$, do you know Mr. Jaguar Nation.
[JSU tired@$$] - Yes, madam. My old lady works for him.
[Ms. Clark] - Do you think Mr. Jaguar Nation is your father?
[JSU tired@$$] - No, madam.
[Ms. Clark] - Will you tell the court, why.
[JSU tired@$$] - Yes, madam. Every time I see Mr. Jaguar Nation, he whips my behind. When I visit his house he beats me, when he visits my Mom house he beats. The last time he visited my mothers house, he kicked me in my behind.
[Ms. Clark] - When was the last time?
[JSU tired@$$] - October 16, I still have the bruise. And now he wants me to go out of town with him. I don't want to go, he's going to kick my butt.
[Ms. Clark] - Can you show the court the bruise?
[JSU tired@$$] - Do I have to Ms. Clark it's sooooo embarrassing.
[Judge Ito] - You must show the court little tired@$$.
Reluctantly little tired@$$ pulls his pants down to reveal what appears to be a size 12 footprint on his behind. The jury couldn't keep from laughing.
[Judge Ito] - Order in my court, any more outburst like that and I'll clear the court room.
[Ms. Clark] - I want to ask the court for Mr. Jaguar Nation to remove his shoe to see if it's matches this footprint.
[Mr. Cochran] - Object, a lot of people wear the same size shoe.
[Judge Ito] - overruled.
The bailiff takes Mr. Jaguar Nation shoe to the butt of tired@$$ and it's a prefect fit.
[Judge Ito] - Mr. Jaguar Nation that's your footprint on little JSU tired@$$ behind, can you explain.
[Mr. Jaguar Nation] - Yes sir, he's my son, the reason my foot was up this behind, he was getting huffy with me and disrepecting his elders, talking about how he was going to beat my behind. He been hanging with them kids from the wrong side of the tracks, that Get Ready, J-State Tiger, Tigerpride, Tigeress and them others. You know, your honor, you got to teach these kids a lesson.
[Judge Ito] - I have heard enough, children today need to learn how to respect their elders. I am awarding temporary custody to Mr. Jaguar Nation. Go and take your son to B'ham and have good time bonding together. Little JSU tired@$$ you go with your father and behave yourself. I believe that you spare the rod, you spoil the child, so better be good if you know what good for you young man.
[JSU tired@$$] - Please mr. judge, I don't want to go, please, please mr. judge. You don't know what you doing, my butt still hurting....
[Judge Ito] - It will be alright..... Bailiff take little JSU tired@$$ with father... somebody wake up Ms. JSU tired@$$ I ought hold her in contempt...is she on drugs or something?
[This message has been edited by Timbuktu Jag (edited December 09, 1999).]
****Timbuktu Jag Hall of Fame Smack****
[The Judge] - Are both plantiff and defendant present...
[Bailiff] - Yes, your honor.
[The Judge] - Are attorneys present and ready?
[Attorney for Plantiff] - Yes, your honor
[Attorney for Defendant] - Yes, your honor.
[The Judge] - This is a case of paternity, but let me get this straight. It's not a case to prove someone is the father in order get child support, rather it's a case to get a child to accept hir true father. This is a very unusual case. Normally we are rounding up deadbeat Dads in attempts to get them to pay child support. But in this case the plantiff, Mr. Jaguar Nation is claiming to be the father of little JSU tired@$$, son of the defendant, Ms. JSU tired@$$, but neither Ms. JSU tired@$$ nor her juvenile son claim him as the father.
Attorney's are you ready for your opening statements.
[Attorneys] - Yes, your honor.
[The Judge] - You may began Mr. Cochran.
[Mr. Cochran] - Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I intend today with clear and concise evidence that will prove that Mr. Jaguar Nation is indeed the father of little JSU tired@$$. Mr. Jaguar Nation desires to provide fatherly guidance, love and financial support for his offspring. We will show that the glove does fit in this case, DNA results. With custody, Mr. Jaguar Nation wants to start by taking his son on weekend trip to B'ham, Alabama.
[The Judge] - Okay, Ms. Clark you may proceed.
[Ms. Clark] - Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I will show beyond a reasonable doubt that Mr. Jaguar Nation can't possible be little JSU tired@$$'s father. I intend to call the GSU Cartel to testify that he is JSU tired@$$'s Daddy. If anything, Mr. Jaguar Nation maybe the grandfather of little JSU tired@$$ if anything. Mr. Cartel isn't here at the moment but should arrive momentarily.
[Judge ITO] - Okay, Mr. Cochran call your first witness.
[Mr. Cochran] - I call to the stand, Barry Scheck, a DNA expert.
[Bailiff] - Do you uphold to smack the story, the whole story, nothing but the story as you know it.
[Barry Scheck]- I do.
[Mr. Cochran] - Did you take a blood sample from little JSU tired@$$.
[Barry Scheck] - Yes
[Mr. Cochran] - Did you take a blood sample from Mr. Jaguar Nation.
[Barry Scheck] - Yes
[Mr. Cochran] - What conclusion did you draw from these two blood samples?
[Barry Scheck] - That, there is 1-to-1 certainty that Mr. Jaguar Nation is the father of little JSU tired@$$. In addition, Mr. Jaguar Nation had numerous affairs with Ms. JSU tired@$$ over the years and holds a decisive edge and laid her the last five years.
[Mr. Cochran] - No farther questions.
[Judge Ito] - You may cross-examine Ms. Clark.
[Ms. Clark] - No, questions for this witness.
[Judge Ito] - Any more witnesses, Mr. Cochran.
[Mr. Cochran] - I rest our case.
[Judge Ito] - Ms. Clark any witness.
[Ms. Clark] - I call little JSU tired@$$ to the stand.
[Bailiff] - Do you uphold to smack the story, the whole story, nothing but the story as you know it.
[JSU tired@$$] - I do.
[Ms. Clark] - Little JSU tired@$$, do you know Mr. Jaguar Nation.
[JSU tired@$$] - Yes, madam. My old lady works for him.
[Ms. Clark] - Do you think Mr. Jaguar Nation is your father?
[JSU tired@$$] - No, madam.
[Ms. Clark] - Will you tell the court, why.
[JSU tired@$$] - Yes, madam. Every time I see Mr. Jaguar Nation, he whips my behind. When I visit his house he beats me, when he visits my Mom house he beats. The last time he visited my mothers house, he kicked me in my behind.
[Ms. Clark] - When was the last time?
[JSU tired@$$] - October 16, I still have the bruise. And now he wants me to go out of town with him. I don't want to go, he's going to kick my butt.
[Ms. Clark] - Can you show the court the bruise?
[JSU tired@$$] - Do I have to Ms. Clark it's sooooo embarrassing.
[Judge Ito] - You must show the court little tired@$$.
Reluctantly little tired@$$ pulls his pants down to reveal what appears to be a size 12 footprint on his behind. The jury couldn't keep from laughing.
[Judge Ito] - Order in my court, any more outburst like that and I'll clear the court room.
[Ms. Clark] - I want to ask the court for Mr. Jaguar Nation to remove his shoe to see if it's matches this footprint.
[Mr. Cochran] - Object, a lot of people wear the same size shoe.
[Judge Ito] - overruled.
The bailiff takes Mr. Jaguar Nation shoe to the butt of tired@$$ and it's a prefect fit.
[Judge Ito] - Mr. Jaguar Nation that's your footprint on little JSU tired@$$ behind, can you explain.
[Mr. Jaguar Nation] - Yes sir, he's my son, the reason my foot was up this behind, he was getting huffy with me and disrepecting his elders, talking about how he was going to beat my behind. He been hanging with them kids from the wrong side of the tracks, that Get Ready, J-State Tiger, Tigerpride, Tigeress and them others. You know, your honor, you got to teach these kids a lesson.
[Judge Ito] - I have heard enough, children today need to learn how to respect their elders. I am awarding temporary custody to Mr. Jaguar Nation. Go and take your son to B'ham and have good time bonding together. Little JSU tired@$$ you go with your father and behave yourself. I believe that you spare the rod, you spoil the child, so better be good if you know what good for you young man.
[JSU tired@$$] - Please mr. judge, I don't want to go, please, please mr. judge. You don't know what you doing, my butt still hurting....
[Judge Ito] - It will be alright..... Bailiff take little JSU tired@$$ with father... somebody wake up Ms. JSU tired@$$ I ought hold her in contempt...is she on drugs or something?
[This message has been edited by Timbuktu Jag (edited December 09, 1999).]
****Timbuktu Jag Hall of Fame Smack****
