Ntelekt
Mr. Telephone Man (1975)
<font color=blue>Long....but hilarious!
</font>
I swear, there has got to be a million friggin' award shows nowadays.....
The Grammys, Amercian Music, Billboard, MTV, NAACP, even wack azz BET has joined the fray of programming for recording artist who need to pat each other on the back....
My thing is, how come the ish ain't interesting no more?
Would'nt you like to see some real, real ****?
Hahahaha......well, you missed the taping of MY award show (it was in my basement) .....
<font color=green>THE 1ST ANNUAL PROFTEEZY AWARDS!!!</font>
Drum roll please...........and the winners are...........
MOST HYPED UP ARTIST WHO'S OWN ALBUM CAME AND WENT
Lil Kim
She's on the Moulon Rouge, the Ray J. song and always on some show or got her titties out in the press.........meanwhile, her album fell off quicker than the Miami Heat in the first round of the playoffs.
Runner Up - DaBrat
MOST DEPRESSING SONG OF THE YEAR
"What Would You Do?" - City High
Talk about a song that makes you wanna slit your wrist......what would you do if yo son was at home, cryin' all alone cause he's hongry, and the only way to feed him is, to sleep with a man for a little bit of money and his daddy's gone, somewhere smokin' rock now in and out of lock down?..........yea, just hang me from the nearest tree please!
Runner Up - "You Know You Ghetto" Bishop
MOST UNREALISTIC VIDEO
Take You Out" Luther Vandross
I don't know about you but I ain't buyin' it. What happened to the old Luther (yea, with the curl too like Cedric said) that would never have a leading lady but just stood there and sung while the young couples would fondle each other. He looks like he's just hangin' out with his homegirl going shopping for curtains and gossiping. Trust me, that ***** didn't TAKE HER OUT nowhere. They went stag.
Runner Up - Blu Cantrel "Hit Em' UP"
MOST UNRECOGNIZABLE GROUP WITH A HIT RECORD
112
I'm sorry dog, but if any of these cats walked up to me and hit me in the mouth I would'nt know who the hell they was. Well, maybe that skinny one with the high voice who does most of the lead singing.
Runner up goes to Jagged Egde........beside the twins who is dem other ninjas?
BEST TIMING TO DEBUT AS AN ARTIST
Lil Romeo
Bottom line, if there was not a Lil Bow-Wow, Master P's son would'nt have as much of a chance as an ice cube in hell. That's the only reason his ish is workin'. And from what I hear the little girls don't think he's all that cute either. I'll admit though, the song is cute but Lil Bow-Wow is the ***** !
DOPEST ARTIST WERE STARTING TO GET A LITTLE SICK OF
it's a tie - Nelly & Jay-Z
I got mad respect for both these cats but damn........radio, MTV & BET can make you hate some ninjas for real. Jay-Z should really take a break for about two weeks..........that's all I ask.........I understand you can't be gone too long in this bizness but ****.....just don't rap on nobody else's ish or somethin'.......
honorable mentions - Destiny's Child & Eminem
UGLY BUT THINK THEY CUTE AWARD
Lil Mo
I'm honestly not trying to dog her but it's the kind of thing where in some pictures or in some shots of the videos she looks like she could be real cute but then it goes left on me somewhere. Maybe it's her choice of gear and them damn George Clinton braids. Hell if I know. Just don't act like you don't know what I'm talkin' bout either.)
runner ups - India Irie (yea boo, you ARE NOT THE AVERAGE GIRL IN A VIDEO.......NOT EVEN CLOSE) & Pink
TOO DAMN OLD TO BE TRYING TO RAP AWARD
Angie Martinez
If you lookin like you got kids graduating from High School you ain't got no damn biz-ness rapping. Yo Angie, lay off the burritos and taco bel grandes.
Runner up - Wyclef
ARTIST WHO YOU JUST CAN'T GET WITH SINGING ABOUT SEX
Missy "misdemeanor" Elliot
I know big girls need love too but honestly fellas, would you hit it? Take the money and fame away from Deborah Cox, Tamia, or even Sunshine Anderson and I can dig it but if Missy was broke and tryin' to holla you'd ph_ckin' run and you know it. I think Monique' from the Parkers is sexier with her big azz.
Runner up but who could've easily took it from Missy - Macy Gray(with her high Dennis Rodman lookin' azz)
GOT HARDCORE ALL OF A SUDDEN AWARD
Ray J.
Hey, ain't that Brandy's brother?.........yea, and who gives a ****. He took a lesson from Hammer and got tough out of the clear blue sky to sell some
> > records. I remember when ya ass was the little cute kid on Sinbad's show back in the day, now you a ruff rida. Gimme a ph_ckin' break. I ain't buyin' it tough guy.
SONG THEY PLAYING THE **** OUT OF RIGHT NOW
"Lady Marmalade" - Mya, Pink, Lil Kim & Christine Aguilera
It's beginning to sound like somebody's fingernails going down a chalk board or some ph_ckin' squeaking styrofoam trying to be funny. I bet Patti Labelle is talking ish too. It's okay but damn is it that much of a hit?
Had I done this a month ago it would've been "Survivor" But you know radio, can't play but the same ph_ckin' 10 songs a day. .....)
Runner up - "Peaches & Cream" - 112
THE PRINCE ARE YOU GAY OR STRAIGHT AWARD
Sisqo
I honestly think he's talented as hell but he does make you go hmmmmm.........are you.......uh.....You always singing about or to a woman but I just ain't totally convinced. I don't really care but just be who you is Sisqo!!! (say that with a lisp) Somebody (other than RuPaul) needs to just be out the closet gay and do a record. That ish might work since nowadays it's in to be a homo.
Runners Up - Queen Latifah & Da Brat
AINT GOT NO BUSINESS BEING DIS GHETTO AWARD
Whitney Houston
Tsk, Tsk, Tsk.......what a ph_ckin' waste. She's a diva, definitely talented,and clearly one of the best vocalist of our time but why she gotta be so damn ghetto. Aretha is ghetto but at least she managed to keep her mouth closed most of her career. Giving shout outs at awards shows, married to a crackhead and got (oh and how I hate to say this so I'll be as kind as possible) the most anti-cute child I've ever seen. NOBODY should sweat like she does. Even before the song is finished Whitney? C'mon boo, I hate to see her go out like this.
Runners up - Mary J.Blige
MOST HIT SONGS BY A CORPSE
Tupac
Yea, you sistas just ease up........the truth is the truth.......I know alot of ya'll still think he's alive but he's nothin' but dust in the wind.
That's why he still selling millions of records cause ya'll can't let him go. That must've been one busy azz ninja ........startin' fights, doing
movies, doggin' Dr. Dre, and recording 18,000 albums before he went out. If nothing else you lazy ninjas can learn from that kind of work ethic. Thug life ain't no muthafreakin' joke. Honorable Mention: Big Pun
THE PEACHES & HERB GHETTOFABULOUS COUPLE OF THE YEAR
Mac 10 & T-Boz
How the hell did they hook up? Talk about an unlikely looking couple. But hey, the look like they all in ghetto-ass love. Why didn't we get to see they're wedding in Ebony like Treach & Pepa's, who are now divorced.....If J-Lo & Puffy could've hung on they would've won by a landslide....just for the shooting up a club stunt alone.
Honorable Mention to the all time ghettofab couple - Bobby & Whitney.........and to the new-school ghettofab twosome - Ginuwine & Sole'
MOST HATED ON
Beyonce' Knowles of Destiny's Child
Haters never prosper ya'll! Back da fuc up yo. She's fine, young,talented as hell, and she's rich And so what they're just gearin' up for her solo record, she's a star.......what is so wrong with that? Boy,talk about build you up to tear ya down.
Yo Beyonce, I'm a fan for life and apparently 10 million other folks are as well.......do ya thang. Runner up - Foxy Brown
JUST GETS BETTER WITH TIME AWARD
Janet Jackson
What the deal yo? Fellas, you would lick her stankin' azz after she just walked off the stage to her dressing room still dripping with sweat from performing 2 hours straight. Hell,that could be your job for the whole tour and you would'nt trip. She is just the dopest lookin' sista who still looks like the finest girl in high school. Runner Up - Chante Moore
THE TERRY MCMILLAIN MALE BASHING SONG
Blu Cantrel - "Hit Em' Up"
This song is so foul. It's catchy and it can also get alot of women beat down. Ladies, don't mess with a man's money or his car I don't care what he did. You knew he wasn't **** in the first place so don't let Blu Cantrel get your grill done in. Don't she kinda look like a broke Faith Evans? Oh
well, the songs' cute.
Runner up - "Heard It All Before" Sunshine Anderson
Here's a few we didn't have time to present during the broadcast.......
LOOKING AS OLD AS THE FOUR TOPS GROUP - Boyz II Men
(Runner Up - Silk)
TRYING TOO HARD TO BE SEXY AWARD - Mariah Carey (Runner - Toni Braxton)
BEST PHYSIQUES - Janet Jackson & Tyrese
(Runners Up - Jennifer Lopez & D'Angelo)
DOPEST UNDERGROUND RAPPER WHO'S MAINSTREAM - Redman
(Runner up - QTip)
THE TUPAC WANNABE AWARD - Lil Zhane
(Runner Up - JaRule)
OLD AS MATHUSLA AND STILL GOT HIT RECORDS - Ron Isley
(Runner Up - George Clinton)
MIGHT NEED A GOOD BATH AND SOME DEODORANT AWARD - Trick Daddy
(Runner up - DMX)
BEST INMATE - Shyne
(Runners up - Keith Murray)
MISSING IN ACTION - O.D.B
(Runner up - Maxwell)
Well, that's all ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for coming out, God bless you and Goodnight!
</font>I swear, there has got to be a million friggin' award shows nowadays.....
The Grammys, Amercian Music, Billboard, MTV, NAACP, even wack azz BET has joined the fray of programming for recording artist who need to pat each other on the back....
My thing is, how come the ish ain't interesting no more?
Would'nt you like to see some real, real ****?
Hahahaha......well, you missed the taping of MY award show (it was in my basement) .....
<font color=green>THE 1ST ANNUAL PROFTEEZY AWARDS!!!</font>
Drum roll please...........and the winners are...........
MOST HYPED UP ARTIST WHO'S OWN ALBUM CAME AND WENT
Lil Kim
She's on the Moulon Rouge, the Ray J. song and always on some show or got her titties out in the press.........meanwhile, her album fell off quicker than the Miami Heat in the first round of the playoffs.
Runner Up - DaBrat
MOST DEPRESSING SONG OF THE YEAR
"What Would You Do?" - City High
Talk about a song that makes you wanna slit your wrist......what would you do if yo son was at home, cryin' all alone cause he's hongry, and the only way to feed him is, to sleep with a man for a little bit of money and his daddy's gone, somewhere smokin' rock now in and out of lock down?..........yea, just hang me from the nearest tree please!
Runner Up - "You Know You Ghetto" Bishop
MOST UNREALISTIC VIDEO
Take You Out" Luther Vandross
I don't know about you but I ain't buyin' it. What happened to the old Luther (yea, with the curl too like Cedric said) that would never have a leading lady but just stood there and sung while the young couples would fondle each other. He looks like he's just hangin' out with his homegirl going shopping for curtains and gossiping. Trust me, that ***** didn't TAKE HER OUT nowhere. They went stag.
Runner Up - Blu Cantrel "Hit Em' UP"
MOST UNRECOGNIZABLE GROUP WITH A HIT RECORD
112
I'm sorry dog, but if any of these cats walked up to me and hit me in the mouth I would'nt know who the hell they was. Well, maybe that skinny one with the high voice who does most of the lead singing.
Runner up goes to Jagged Egde........beside the twins who is dem other ninjas?
BEST TIMING TO DEBUT AS AN ARTIST
Lil Romeo
Bottom line, if there was not a Lil Bow-Wow, Master P's son would'nt have as much of a chance as an ice cube in hell. That's the only reason his ish is workin'. And from what I hear the little girls don't think he's all that cute either. I'll admit though, the song is cute but Lil Bow-Wow is the ***** !
DOPEST ARTIST WERE STARTING TO GET A LITTLE SICK OF
it's a tie - Nelly & Jay-Z
I got mad respect for both these cats but damn........radio, MTV & BET can make you hate some ninjas for real. Jay-Z should really take a break for about two weeks..........that's all I ask.........I understand you can't be gone too long in this bizness but ****.....just don't rap on nobody else's ish or somethin'.......
honorable mentions - Destiny's Child & Eminem
UGLY BUT THINK THEY CUTE AWARD
Lil Mo
I'm honestly not trying to dog her but it's the kind of thing where in some pictures or in some shots of the videos she looks like she could be real cute but then it goes left on me somewhere. Maybe it's her choice of gear and them damn George Clinton braids. Hell if I know. Just don't act like you don't know what I'm talkin' bout either.)
runner ups - India Irie (yea boo, you ARE NOT THE AVERAGE GIRL IN A VIDEO.......NOT EVEN CLOSE) & Pink
TOO DAMN OLD TO BE TRYING TO RAP AWARD
Angie Martinez
If you lookin like you got kids graduating from High School you ain't got no damn biz-ness rapping. Yo Angie, lay off the burritos and taco bel grandes.
Runner up - Wyclef
ARTIST WHO YOU JUST CAN'T GET WITH SINGING ABOUT SEX
Missy "misdemeanor" Elliot
I know big girls need love too but honestly fellas, would you hit it? Take the money and fame away from Deborah Cox, Tamia, or even Sunshine Anderson and I can dig it but if Missy was broke and tryin' to holla you'd ph_ckin' run and you know it. I think Monique' from the Parkers is sexier with her big azz.
Runner up but who could've easily took it from Missy - Macy Gray(with her high Dennis Rodman lookin' azz)
GOT HARDCORE ALL OF A SUDDEN AWARD
Ray J.
Hey, ain't that Brandy's brother?.........yea, and who gives a ****. He took a lesson from Hammer and got tough out of the clear blue sky to sell some
> > records. I remember when ya ass was the little cute kid on Sinbad's show back in the day, now you a ruff rida. Gimme a ph_ckin' break. I ain't buyin' it tough guy.
SONG THEY PLAYING THE **** OUT OF RIGHT NOW
"Lady Marmalade" - Mya, Pink, Lil Kim & Christine Aguilera
It's beginning to sound like somebody's fingernails going down a chalk board or some ph_ckin' squeaking styrofoam trying to be funny. I bet Patti Labelle is talking ish too. It's okay but damn is it that much of a hit?
Had I done this a month ago it would've been "Survivor" But you know radio, can't play but the same ph_ckin' 10 songs a day. .....)
Runner up - "Peaches & Cream" - 112
THE PRINCE ARE YOU GAY OR STRAIGHT AWARD
Sisqo
I honestly think he's talented as hell but he does make you go hmmmmm.........are you.......uh.....You always singing about or to a woman but I just ain't totally convinced. I don't really care but just be who you is Sisqo!!! (say that with a lisp) Somebody (other than RuPaul) needs to just be out the closet gay and do a record. That ish might work since nowadays it's in to be a homo.
Runners Up - Queen Latifah & Da Brat
AINT GOT NO BUSINESS BEING DIS GHETTO AWARD
Whitney Houston
Tsk, Tsk, Tsk.......what a ph_ckin' waste. She's a diva, definitely talented,and clearly one of the best vocalist of our time but why she gotta be so damn ghetto. Aretha is ghetto but at least she managed to keep her mouth closed most of her career. Giving shout outs at awards shows, married to a crackhead and got (oh and how I hate to say this so I'll be as kind as possible) the most anti-cute child I've ever seen. NOBODY should sweat like she does. Even before the song is finished Whitney? C'mon boo, I hate to see her go out like this.
Runners up - Mary J.Blige
MOST HIT SONGS BY A CORPSE
Tupac
Yea, you sistas just ease up........the truth is the truth.......I know alot of ya'll still think he's alive but he's nothin' but dust in the wind.
That's why he still selling millions of records cause ya'll can't let him go. That must've been one busy azz ninja ........startin' fights, doing
movies, doggin' Dr. Dre, and recording 18,000 albums before he went out. If nothing else you lazy ninjas can learn from that kind of work ethic. Thug life ain't no muthafreakin' joke. Honorable Mention: Big Pun
THE PEACHES & HERB GHETTOFABULOUS COUPLE OF THE YEAR
Mac 10 & T-Boz
How the hell did they hook up? Talk about an unlikely looking couple. But hey, the look like they all in ghetto-ass love. Why didn't we get to see they're wedding in Ebony like Treach & Pepa's, who are now divorced.....If J-Lo & Puffy could've hung on they would've won by a landslide....just for the shooting up a club stunt alone.
Honorable Mention to the all time ghettofab couple - Bobby & Whitney.........and to the new-school ghettofab twosome - Ginuwine & Sole'
MOST HATED ON
Beyonce' Knowles of Destiny's Child
Haters never prosper ya'll! Back da fuc up yo. She's fine, young,talented as hell, and she's rich And so what they're just gearin' up for her solo record, she's a star.......what is so wrong with that? Boy,talk about build you up to tear ya down.
Yo Beyonce, I'm a fan for life and apparently 10 million other folks are as well.......do ya thang. Runner up - Foxy Brown
JUST GETS BETTER WITH TIME AWARD
Janet Jackson
What the deal yo? Fellas, you would lick her stankin' azz after she just walked off the stage to her dressing room still dripping with sweat from performing 2 hours straight. Hell,that could be your job for the whole tour and you would'nt trip. She is just the dopest lookin' sista who still looks like the finest girl in high school. Runner Up - Chante Moore
THE TERRY MCMILLAIN MALE BASHING SONG
Blu Cantrel - "Hit Em' Up"
This song is so foul. It's catchy and it can also get alot of women beat down. Ladies, don't mess with a man's money or his car I don't care what he did. You knew he wasn't **** in the first place so don't let Blu Cantrel get your grill done in. Don't she kinda look like a broke Faith Evans? Oh
well, the songs' cute.
Runner up - "Heard It All Before" Sunshine Anderson
Here's a few we didn't have time to present during the broadcast.......
LOOKING AS OLD AS THE FOUR TOPS GROUP - Boyz II Men
(Runner Up - Silk)
TRYING TOO HARD TO BE SEXY AWARD - Mariah Carey (Runner - Toni Braxton)
BEST PHYSIQUES - Janet Jackson & Tyrese
(Runners Up - Jennifer Lopez & D'Angelo)
DOPEST UNDERGROUND RAPPER WHO'S MAINSTREAM - Redman
(Runner up - QTip)
THE TUPAC WANNABE AWARD - Lil Zhane
(Runner Up - JaRule)
OLD AS MATHUSLA AND STILL GOT HIT RECORDS - Ron Isley
(Runner Up - George Clinton)
MIGHT NEED A GOOD BATH AND SOME DEODORANT AWARD - Trick Daddy
(Runner up - DMX)
BEST INMATE - Shyne
(Runners up - Keith Murray)
MISSING IN ACTION - O.D.B
(Runner up - Maxwell)
Well, that's all ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for coming out, God bless you and Goodnight!
