Hampton head coach Ed Joyner has been the first of who will be many stars of the NCAA Tournament because he has playful made it known that the only way his Pirates can ever…AND THE ROCK MEANS EVER!, beat 34-0 Kentucky is if he puts in a request on the mainline to Jesus.

“Tell him what you want,” according to the famous church hymn.


Joyner, during the post-game presser following Hampton’s 74-64 win over Manhattan in Tuesday’s First Four, pretended to dial up The Son of Man with an iPhone he hasn’t figured out to use yet.

“I guess he’ll get back to me,” he jokingly said.

What if Jesus doesn’t get back to him? What if Jesus doesn’t have a phone? What if Jesus only responds to text messages?

Hampton plays Kentucky on Thursday night, right? What if Jesus is too busy tuned into ‘Scandal’ and ‘How to Get Away with Murder?’ Nobody in America is talking on the phone during that two-hour window.

Methinks Joyner might need to go into his contacts for a backup plan just in case.

If all else fails, here are five people Joyner can call instead of Jesus to help Hampton upset Kentucky.

John Calipari. The Kentucky Wildcats roster is LOADED with McDonald’s All-Americans. They go 5011 deep. Joyner could ask Cal if it is possible to borrow a few guys from the end of the bench who never play.  You want him to ask for benchwarmers, Kendrick? Chhhhhhiiiiiild, yes! If they’re on Kentucky, those guys have to be good. Good enough to keep the game somewhat competitive.

Olivia Pope. She’s hot. She’s smart. She’s hot. She knows how to get under the skin and clothing of powerful men. She’s hot. She’s a problem solver. She’s hot. She’s cool in crisis. She’s hot.  And who else could….I can’t come up with any Scandal references because I don’t watch the show. Trust me, though.

Saul. Because ‘Better Call Saul’ is a show on AMC and I would be remiss if I didn’t include that in the list.

NCAA investigators. Ya’ll know the game cheating, right? And by game I mean, Calipari. You don’t think these great, young prep basketball players fall in the lap of Ashley Judd (pardon the expression) by good old fashioned recruitin’ do ya? There’s gotta be receipts somewhere, dammit. A deep throat with a story to tell can’t be that hard to find in Lexington.  Calipari has already been hemmed up at UMass and Memphis. Best believe there are skeletons in Wildcat closets the NCAA needs to see.

Creflo Dollar. If he can convince folks to give him $65 million to buy private jet “to do the Lord’s work,” then he must be greater than Jesus.

Otherwise, it’s Kentucky by 40 snaps and Ric Flair. Wooooooooo!

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